The Bell Curve

City Paper’s weekly gauge of Philly’s Quality of Life

City Paper drops fictional Web series on the TV news business after Fox lawyers threaten legal action over supposed similarities to real people. But we’re still gonna go ahead with our hilarious new comic strip, The Adventures of Bitch Nooman and Stacy Radish-rack. Minus 5

Scores of stars visit Philly for NBA All-Star Game. Joe Frazier files lawsuits against each of them. Plus 2

Mayor invites back Lakers star Kobe Bryant to make up for the booing he received at the All-Star Game. Think Kobe’s dumb enough to fall for it? Minus 5

Elderly mobster Raymond "Long John" Martorano dies from wounds suffered in recent shooting. "It was very drawn out," say local mobsters, "nothing like how ‘Quickie Joe’ went." Even

Off-duty cop accidentally fires her gun in a school, injuring a boy, after letting kids handle the weapon. The kids show excellent restraint in not firing back. Minus 2

Councilman Frank DiCicco challenges colleague and former ally Rick Mariano to take polygraph test over whether he made anti-Irish remark. "I’ll a do ya one better," says Mariano, "I’ll-a mix-a some Irish truth-a serum into my pasta vazool tonight." Plus 1

Local electricians’ union, headed by political player John Dougherty, has history of labor law violations, Inquirer reports. Inquirer now missing. Minus 1

SEPTA considering removing cushions from seats of relatively new Market-Frankford El cars due to high cost of cleaning them. Or maybe making a separate car for the recently dismembered. Minus 1

Controversial Fat Tuesday celebration on South Street is much calmer than last year’s. After all the All-Star game festivities, you want more sexual misconduct out of us? We’re not machines! Plus 2

Total pluses: 5

Total minuses: 14

Score for the week: -9

Last week’s score: -2