The Money Shot, part 2



	The devil in disguise: Porn kingpin Bill Margold takes a role in Frozen ASS’ets as the Devil (who resides in a bathroom).

by Jon Hart

part 1

GETTING WOOD

Starr and Margold explain the first scene: The story takes place in a "heavenly place." Preacher’s daughter Latour will play the "head angel." Starr tells Latour her name is Faith. "I thought her name was Val," interjects Margold incorrectly.

Starr says the scene takes place in a church. Shy Love turns to me.

"He looks like a minister," she blurts out before requesting that I take off my shirt for the scene. But Margold vehemently vetoes her.

"What a repellent thought," he snarls.

My role is to play a fully clothed "angel in training." The basic concept is that amorous couples have been sidetracked on their way to heaven, and they’re spending time at our dwelling. Latour and I are supposed to welcome them, but also to warn them — hang with me here — to never, ever use the bathroom. That, of course, is where the devil, played by Margold, lurks.

I don’t have a costume, so Sparks, the versatile burlesque star, lends me a maroon smoking jacket that she uses for fetish smoking videos. (Sparks tells me that this is a burgeoning industry.) I grab a pipe and put on a cowboy hat, which I’ve brought along as a prop. Fahrenheit tells me that I remind him of Max Hardcore, the controversial pornographer, known for punishing anal scenes, who also wears a cowboy hat.

Margold yells "action." I wait five seconds and make my entrance. Since there’s no written script, whenever there’s dead air it’s a good time to speak up. On a whim, I adopt a Texas accent.

"I reckon ma’am… " I improvise my first line, and Shy Love cracks up like she’s never heard anything so funny. Even Fahrenheit grins. The scene has to be stopped, but I feel like I’m onto something. I’ve captured some essential redneck quality in my character. I envision my name alongside porn’s greatest actors: Ron Jeremy, Jerry Butler… Keyshawn Chrebet.

Emboldened, I’m ready for my next scene with Sparks and Buck, whose character is a monolithic mass of testosterone. Almost all of his dialogue consists of these three lines: "What the fuck," "Get the fuck out of the room" and "I want to fuck." Perhaps that is sexual stimuli for the viewers, but from a fellow actor’s perspective it’s tough energy to work off of.

Moments before the scene, I try and concentrate on my redneck character. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot Buck feeling up Sparks. It’s not easy to stay in character when your co-star is getting to second base. After Latour and I enter the scene, Buck, improvising like a true professional, abruptly cuts me off and orders me "to get the fuck out of the room."

Method acting at its finest.

As I retreat to the back of the room, Buck and Sparks embrace. In front of them, Starr operates a handheld camera. To their left, Latour operates a camera on a tripod. Buck and Sparks — who’ve previously appeared together in both Warehouse Babes and Cell Block DD — attempt to act passionate. But once they’re naked, Buck tenses up.

"Oh no, it’s happening again," he whispers to Sparks.

Buck, in pornspeak, can’t "get wood."

After about 15 minutes of futility, Jack shuts off his camera and leaves Buck and Sparks to their own devices. Buck is no stranger to not getting wood, which porn vet Latour calls a common problem in the industry. According to the lighting man, Buck prepared for his last movie by taking Viagra. After 25 minutes of canoodling, Buck says he’s ready, but it’s a false alarm. At this rate, we could be here all night.

Sparks, she of the tolerant spouse, is in a particular hurry. Today is her husband’s birthday and she has a long drive back to Detroit. (As Buck continues to struggle, I even overhear some talk about using my penis as a stunt double. But I’m never formally approached.) Finally, rookie Jaxson, who is now busting out of a leather corset, is told in no uncertain terms to act as a "fluffer," at which point she practically runs to the bed, making like a human vacuum. The camera is off, but it is a truly inspired performance.

But minutes later, Buck, who is now perspiring profusely, is down again. Exasperated, Buck bangs the bedpost with his hand — but he keeps trying. As Jaxson occupies him, Sparks sits on top of him. Exasperated, she turns to the camera and makes a circling motion with her hand as if to say, "C’mon, already."

Finally, after more than an hour of frustration, Buck releases a money shot, which I can barely discern from across the room.

"Great shot!" yells Starr, but his euphoria seems forced.

Relieved, we break for lunch. Sparks bids farewell. We hug. She tells Jaxson, "It was a pleasure being eaten by you."

Surprisingly, all the sex hasn’t made me horny; it’s made me hungry. The lighting guy and I go out to pick up a dozen Beef ’N Cheddar sandwiches and some fries from Arby’s.

Just outside the studio, Buck smokes a cigarette alone, completely dejected.

THE MONEY SHOT

When we return, I learn that Fahrenheit has now changed his name to Tony DeAngelo. Restless, he’s now climbing the walls, lifting tiny Shy Love in the air, simulating all kinds of sexual positions. As they gyrate against one another, I try to concentrate on my Beef ’N Cheddar. But just as I’m taking my first few bites, Fahrenheit-DeAngelo grunts to Shy Love: "I want to fuck!" The image of Fahrenheit-DeAngelo’s head turning purple and bellowing "Oh yeah" at the top of his lungs has made me lose my appetite.

Bravado and horniness aside, Fahrenheit-DeAngelo is nervous. Anxious, he actually speaks, admitting that he is all pent up and actually concerned about ejaculating too soon. "This is going to be a quick scene," he tells me.

It’s showtime. Back in character, back on camera, I lead the newlyweds to the bedroom. I point to the bed, urge them to enjoy it and warn them — in the gravest of tones —never to use the bathroom. Fahrenheit-DeAngelo looks me squarely in the eyes and delivers what I believe to be his only line: "Thank you."

With the "acting" out the way, Fahrenheit-DeAngelo delicately undresses his lady. Shy Love is butt naked, but Fahrenheit-DeAngelo has trouble getting wood as well. Eventually, he perseveres and pounds away on little Shy Love, who is moaning loudly and steadily.

Everyone else, however, is bored, especially Margold, who jumps out of his chair. Like a quarterback calling an audible, Margold barks out a new sexual position. "Spoon! Spoon!" he yells, holding his fist in the air. Fahrenheit-DeAngelo rolls off tiny Shy Love and is understandably confused at first, but figures out the play.

A few minutes later he releases a truly inspiring money shot — most of which hits Shy Love, of course, squarely in the eye. With her vision impaired, Shy Love manages to complete the scene by going down on her man. Afterwards, she informs me that she was "not acting."

For the next scene, Margold directs me to simply retrieve my cowboy hat from the bedroom. For this scene, it’s all me, no Shy Love, no Fahrenheit-DeAngelo, no Buck. I decide to have a little fun and improvise. I methodically survey the room in full dumb redneck K.C. character, noticing the undergarments. I pick up Shy Love’s undergarments, put them to my new nose and inhale.

"You’re like a young Redford," Starr applauds me later.

Now, though, is the moment of truth. As we wait for Jaxson’s scene, which will take place in the prison set of the warehouse-studio, Latour approaches me.

"We should do a scene," she broaches.

"What kind of scene do you mean?" I ask, refusing to look at her.

I know exactly what kind of scene she means, but I’m petrified — petrified that I’m actually considering her offer. Before today, I knew exactly where to draw the line: I’d promised myself that I would not have sex on camera. But… after sitting on a porn shoot all day, the notion doesn’t really seem so absurd. It actually seems kind of natural.

However, I can’t do it. Undeterred, Latour pushes harder. She says she has plans to bring in a woman with a 88JJJ chest. And buxom women, it just so happens, are my Achilles’ heel.

What would it be like? Could I get wood under the bright lights? I can’t believe I’m considering doing it. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. My whole life flashes before my eyes. Bucky Dent’s three-run shot in the 1978 tiebreaker game. My mother fixing my collar and advising me before my ninth-grade dance. "Jonathan," she pleaded. "Listen to the girls, just listen." And years later, there was that evening I interviewed (and downed a number of vodka cranberries with) the Indian from the Village People.

"You’re flying awful close to the flame," warns Margold. "It does not go away, kid."

As I mull it over, silently, seriously, Jaxson is servicing Buck and Margold in the jailhouse scene, the final one of the day. As the devil, Margold laughs maniacally as he enjoys Jaxson’s oral expertise. Off camera, Latour is transfixed by Margold’s convincing performance.

Then there’s a knock at the door.

Starr puts down his camera. Everyone is silent, no one moves. Who the heck could that be? No one knows we are here. Immediately, I remember what Margold told me about what we’re doing not being exactly legal. Luckily, it’s Shy Love and Fahrenheit-DeAngelo.

After the shoot, Margold, Latour, Starr and I go out for dinner. Later, it’s back to Latour’s house. Exhausted, I fall asleep watching the World Series with Margold. I retire to the plastic raft that sits in Latour’s living room. In the middle of the night, I have to go to the bathroom and can’t fall back to sleep. I think about the bizarre activities of the day before, the beautiful women.

And whaddaya know? Within moments, I get wood.