The Bell Curve

City Paper’s weekly gauge of Philly’s Quality of Life — x-pando web edition!

Self-described "wanderer" from Nebraska whacks Liberty Bell with hammer. "I’m going to Disneyland — to kick Mickey in the balls!" Minus 1

Hey, do we come to your state and beat your, uh, meat?

To avoid jail time he agrees to help police during Mardi Gras next year.

If I wandered all the way from Nebraska only to find that the bell’s got a big crack in it, I’d be pissed too.

Philadelphians want to know how he got to the top of City Hall in the first place.

Judge allows Mumia Abu-Jamal to fire his lawyers over plans by one of them to write a book about the case. Judge takes copious notes. Minus 1

"Thanks, babe. That’s chapter nine."

NBC10 anchor Renee Chenault and Congressman Chaka Fattah get married. Chenault’s wedding-night report to be aired during May sweeps. 0

John Bolaris predicts marriage will last "a million years."

Councilman Kenney wants hearings on awarding of airport information-booth contract to major donor to Mayor Street. It’s all part of Kenney’s new mission: to make cynical people say "duh." Plus 3

Charges dropped against Humane Society member who was caught in raid of warehouse where dogfights were held. He claimed he wanted to teach the dogs to settle their differences peacefully. Plus 1

Disappointed Irony Police take much-needed vacation.

Owner of Northeast Philly moving company to stand trial on charges that he held clients’ possessions hostage until they paid inflated fees. Pays bail in three sofas and a halogen lamp. Plus 2

If convicted, he’ll serve time in fifth-floor walk-up cell.

And he didn’t label the boxes. A local family spent an hour looking for the toilet paper. And wouldn’t you know, it was in the last box they opened. Ain’t that always the way?

After nesting at City Hall for years, peregrine falcons move to Bell Atlantic Tower. Better swooping angle to attack the rats in Love Park. Minus 1

From there you’re much less likely to see down Lynne Abraham’s blouse.

Must be the fumes from City Council.

SEPTA announces proposal to raise the base fare by 30 cents. Promotional campaign features SEPTA GM Jack Leary as cyborg saying, "All your base fare are belong to us." Minus 6

Bus drivers agree to run over 30 percent fewer bicyclists.

That’s 10 cents for every time my bus has been on schedule in the last year.

Total pluses: 6

Total minuses: 9

Score for the Week: -3

Last Week’s Total: -12