April 23–30, 1998
i
Jim In Bold
A young poet's legacy.
Jim Wheeler, a talented gay artist from Lebanon, PA, committed suicide in November at the age of 18. The poem reprinted below reflects some of the pain and confusion he suffered as an openly gay teen in a small town; it was written after "some of the kids in gym class had pulled him out of the shower and peed on him," says his mother, Susan Wheeler.
The pain of feeling "different" never left him—even after he came out to his family (who were supportive), even after he spent time in the more tolerant atmosphere of Philadelphia. "Looking back, Jim was going through a period of intense self-loathing," says his mother. "He wanted to be like everyone else and knew he couldn't be."
Despite advances for gays and lesbians, being "different" is still very tough for teenagers. That's why Pridefest '98 is kicking off this year's symposia and celebrations with a tribute to Wheeler, and a panel discussion on teenage homophobia (Wednesday, April 29, 7 p.m., at the William Way Center, 1315 Spruce St.). Wheeler's paintings and poems will be displayed, and panelists will include a fundamentalist Christian mom whose gay son tried to commit suicide, an openly gay Swarthmore College student, and Philadelphia artist Fluffy Palmer, Wheeler's friend and mentor.
in the age of the COMPUTER where the internet
CONNECTS us all and we all struggle in the
World wide web to become Unstuck from the futuristic fact that if your Modem isnt on then
you better not expect a fax from your faceLESS
CONtinent and doesnt even Closely resemble the
description that they gave iresemble my face and i
found an outlined face amid all the stereotypes
sexual slurs catcalls and whispered Secrets iam i am
i am Jim i am boy I am tall i am fairhaired i am a
poet a painter and if i dare to call mySELF aa artist
I will i am sensitive i am ANGRY i am in love i am
In hiding I am OUT of the dark celluloid closet Yes
i am a HOMOsexual i am gay i am a queer a sissie
a faerie a Fag a punk i am a QUEENie i am a girl AT heart
a freak a follower a LEADER a PERFECTionist a slob
an optimist and a Pessimist a quaker and a nazis
i dont try to hard in school butt im good in english
and ifall aSLEEP in math class i want to run real
fast but no ONE will take a chance and pick me for
their team i want to sing real loud in a Rock and roll
band but i knat get the words out i want to be noticed
however i want to isolate MYSELF cause isolation brings
genius make me famous cause i sure want to be but its also
cool to be anonymous and top secret iwant to be popular i
want lots of friends but i know id get really annoyed with the
phone ringing all the time and NON stop would really KILL my
nerves im way too sensitive and i cry when i Watch the simpsons
Im awfully mean a lot Of the Time because people really Piss
me OFF and i love my family like they were my best
friends but my house is so stressful with seven kids and
two dogs way over the national average i want to leave
Home but im scared to be alone i want to tell a certain
person that I dont want to be aLONE and that i love Him
but the long forgotten art of SPEECH just wont work iwant
a job that pays the bills i want lots of money but id
rather paint the world with vibrant colors and hues
i want to travel and see things that i only see when
im tossing and TURNing in my bed trying to fall asleep
knowing my alarm is Going to RING any second and I BETter
wake Up soon if im going to learn to drive to run to sing
to think to paint to grow to be but my car of ambition
is withOUT a Key so I just SIT and wait in my quiet
room in my noisy House in my sleepy town in the keySTONE
state in the superPOWER country in the polluted world
etc etc etc etc THINKing contemplating wishing dreaming
SCREAMing HISSING living loving HUGging kisSING Yelling
CRYING dying listening HEARing Touching smelling tasting
Seeing believing missing MYSELF until i receive a divine
message mayBE from somewhere way up above and if i believe
in the christian god then id say that god spoke to me telling me its better to be Hated for WHAT you
are then loved for what Youre NOT thank
you mohammed for publishing my profile
for printing me printing jim Jim in
BOLD Me in Bold IM IN BOLD
to see the typewritten version, click here
