The Bell Curve

City Paper’s weekly gauge of Philly’s Quality of Life

Council members complain about labels like "transitional" and "distressed" being attached to neighborhoods under mayor’s anti-blight plan. They have no problem with "shitty" and "ignorable," however. Plus 1

They prefer more politically correct labels, like "aesthetically challenged" and "special."

Alternative proposal describes neighborhoods using colors from the J. Crew catalogue.

Such terms are more harmful than, say, poverty.

Robber identified by victim because of gap in his teeth faces 25 years to life under three-strikes law. David Letterman’s comic reign and life of crime end simultaneously. Plus 1

Because there’s no 7-10 split law.

Moral: always take advantage of our prison system’s fine dentistry program.

Sixers’ courtside seats in such demand that even Boyz II Men couldn’t get some, Daily News reports. How does it go, boys? Something something "end of the road"… Plus 1

Dressed in identical suits, however, the do manage to score a single seat.

It’s been a while since Boyz II Men could "get some" on name alone.

Phillies’ three-game sweep of Atlanta puts team in first place. Manager Larry Bowa wants team to save its suckiness "for when it matters." Plus 5

Organizers of gay and lesbian event PrideFest angry that city has reduced its funding. Organizers didn’t know about Mayor Street’s new "don’t ask, don’t tell" funding policy. Minus 3

As a result, this year’s rainbow flags may be mauveless.

Flyers’ playoff hopes end with 8-0 loss to Buffalo. Bob Clarke blames the loss on Bernie Parent, who "quit on the team" in ’79. Minus 3

Sixers’ Dikembe Mutombo named NBA’s defensive player of the year. Sixers’ trade of injured Theo Ratliff to get Mutombo named NBA’s most offensive transaction of the year. Plus 4

Mayor and religious groups announce anti-truancy initiative. Spanky and the rest of Our Gang start stockpiling slingshot ammo. Plus 3

Record-breaking Sunday school attendance expected.

Ringling Brothers’ musician found dead on circus train in Philly. Suspicion immediately falls on Pongo, the knife-impaling seal. Minus 1

Several suspects have already run away to real jobs.

ABC and E! air documentaries on late supermodel Gia Carangi of South Philly in same week. Sales of sopresatta facial cream go through the roof. Minus 1

Hoping to avoid similar embarrassment, MTV and VH1 quietly halt plans for respective Jerry Blavat bios.

Convicted child molester in Criminal Justice Center for sentencing is caught having sex with his girlfriend in a bathroom stall. Knowing a lost cause when it sees it, Bell Curve staff submits no punchlines. Minus 1

Total pluses: 15

Total minuses: 9

Score for the Week: 6