The Bell Curve

City Paper’s weekly gauge of Philly’s Quality of Life: The Director's Cut

Allen Iverson scores 54 in second game against Raptors. Matt Geiger back on DL after all that high-fiving. Plus 5

Arrest warrant issued for Eagles running back Thomas Hamner after he fails to appear in court on charges stemming from beating his dog. Remember two years ago when the Eagles couldn’t beat anybody? Minus 2

Woman who choked principal of her daughter’s school sentenced to probation and anger-management therapy. Boston Public producers buy rights to story, cast Margot Kidder. Plus 1

Mrs. Sprewell intends to appeal the decision.

President Bush visits to introduce new program to reduce gun violence. Aides scramble to explain his off-the-cuff remark, "Guns don’t kill people, people kill guns." Plus 1

Mumia Abu-Jamal supporters hold 48-hour vigil outside City Hall. More than 200 people attend, but at least half expected to see Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy. Minus 1

Race for the Cure adds hurdling event.

Ailing Indiana man goes missing for three days after disappearing in Philly airport during layover. Fortunately his connecting flight had just started boarding when he resurfaced. Minus 2

In other news, Reggie Miller’s family wondering where Reggie’s at.

Sixers coach Larry Brown denies reports that he’ll resign at end of playoffs. Brown also denied denying that he’d trade Theo Ratliff. Plus 1

Street administration frustrated that City Council’s not moving quickly to approve mayor’s multi-million-dollar anti-blight plan. So somebody was paying attention during the stadium-funding hearings. Plus 3

Apparently the pro-blight lobby has become highly influential.

Four teenage boys arrested after stealing car and leading police on a chase and causing an accident involving four other cars. Their lawyers are now talking to MTV about a new show, a Road Rules/Jackass hybrid. Minus 3

North Philly woman charged with stalking and stabbing ex-boyfriend. Witnesses say she screamed something like, "I’ll show you the quickest way to a man’s heart!" Minus 1

Joey Merlino heard bragging about evading taxes on tapes played at his racketeering trial. He’s like, "Yo, I was playin’ a characta. I’d never actually evade taxes. I was makin’ a statement. Where I come from, tax evasion is everywhere." Minus 1

Merlino interrupts trial by daring anyone who wants to make a Capone joke to "say it to my face!"

Zoo receives $5 million gift for bird center. Mayor Street orders city attorneys to find a way to claim that money for the new Eagles stadium. Plus 3

Monkeys said to be outraged that their place had to burn down before anyone even thought about a new home for them.

Community College of Philadelphia chemistry professor commits suicide in his office. Flubber remains undiscovered. Minus 3

Total pluses: 14

Total minuses: 13

Score for the Week: 1

Last Week’s Total: 5

Bell Curve reader mail:

"I didn't think the item about the brutal beating of the Phillies usher was particularly humorous and the item about Lynn Abraham was a cheap shot. The snide tone so frequently present in your publication belies your liberal posturing. I recommend a remedial journalism course with an emphasis on ethics."

—anonymous, received May 10