September 11–18, 1997
pretzel logic
Stern Warning
It may not be safe to put away the wailing hankies so recently besodden with doleful tears for the dearly departed Diana and Mother T (with a few extra droplets to mourn the passing of Richie Ashburn).
It seems that a few other shining stars might soon be extinguished.
At least according to the man who claims to know.
A man whose family fortune was made peddling flesh in Arizona.
A man who bills himself as a consummate computer genius.
A man who calls himself SOLLOG Immanuel Adonai Adoni.
"The One True God," as he puts it in his more modest moments on his multilayered Web site that alternates reviews of movies, restaurants and strip clubs worldwide with rants and raves about the future and claims that he predicted every major cataclysm of recent vintage.
So watch out, Howard Stern "false king of all media," according to the man called SOLLOG.
Beware, New York City Mayor Rudy Guiliani, whom SOLLOG calls "Rudy the adulterer."
Watch out, Mr. President.
Stay cool, Pope.
Don't gush, Rush.
You're all gonna die. By the middle of November.
It has been spoken.
—-
The last time I saw my pal SOLLOG was about a year ago. He was pleading with a judge to let His wife go out and buy Him some sneakers. The fancy shoes He was wearing, He argued, were too fancy, and uncomfortable, for prison, which is where He was headed after being convicted of trying to run down a cop.
"Just a half hour," He begged the court, as impatient men with cuffs waited to take Him to the Big House.
SOLLOG's trial was a fun show while it lasted. It seemed like every lawyer in town dropped in to see God defend Himself against charges that He tried to kill a police officer.
Unfortunately for God, He was a whack job. A whack job who knew the law, but a whack job nonetheless, constantly annoying the judge and jury with his maniacal raving about the impending end of the world thanks to the evil of nuclear technology.
These outbursts, to no great surprise, did not play well with the judge and, worse, the jury, who were so outraged by SOLLOG's deportment that they convicted Him despite some pretty glaring holes in the prosecution's case.
I had developed a soft spot, of sorts, for SOLLOG, the kind of male bonding that develops after one male tells the other male to watch his mail, because an explosive device will soon go boomboom.
So it was with some degree of sadness that I watched the gendarmes lead Him away.
I would miss the missives.
The predictions that my head would come off in a bizarre accident or that my soul would burn in hell.
But I knew he would be back.
And he is.
With a vengeance.
—-
It's all over for the Pope on Oct. 15.
The death of Bill Clinton will occur Nov. 13.
Howard Stern? Rudy Guiliani? Rush Limbaugh?
One of them will drop dead between now and Oct. 4.
At least according to "The PROPHECY of 9/02," SOLLOG's latest look into things that will happen next.
If SOLLOG was on Prozac, the medication has long since worn off.
"Even world leaders DIE when I GUARANTEE they will," he wrote.
The last time SOLLOG got this worked up, the Secret Service locked him up because they feared he was threatening the president. If the Secret Service got so cranked because SOLLOG predicted Clinton would choke on a cheeseburger, I wondered what they and the others thought of being on SOLLOG's death list.
The White House had no comment, referring me to the Secret Service when I asked press spokesperson Julia Payne if maybe the prez would change his schedule on Nov. 13.
Just in case.
"I am not aware of any changes," said Payne. "I do not expect anyone to comment or know about such matters."
Jim Mackin, Secret Service special agent, was a little more forthcoming.
"This is a great one," he said of SOLLOG's prediction, in that deadpan style favored by Secret Service types who must find it hard to guffaw loudly what with all those wires coming out of their ears.
"On these types of cases," said Mackin, "and I am not even saying this is a case, we don't comment on any of our intelligence-related cases, when there is a threat, or an unusual direction of interest."
Does the Secret Service keep records of people who predict the President will die on a certain day?
"I do not know that we keep records of predictions," said Mackin.
Colleen Roach, Guiliani's press person, was less than amused when I asked her if the mayor was concerned that SOLLOG had marked her boss for death.
"Who is your editor and are you really going to run with this tripe?" she asked brusquely when she returned my call.
When I informed her that I was the editor and that yes, we really were going to run with this tripe, her voice took on a distinct chill.
"This is not something I would even think of dignifying with a comment," she spurted, before hanging up the phone.
At first, I was a little taken aback by her response. It took a while to realize why.
A mayoral spokesperson had called me back.
I was in shock.
Roach may not possess the same bubbly warmth as our own mayoral mouthpiece, Kevin "Touchy" Feeley, but she returned my call. That's a vast improvement over Feeley, that $72,500-a-year icon of indolence who views with disdain the public's right to know how the government spends its money.
Besides, as much as Roach tried to pooh-pooh the matter, the New York cops charged with protecting Guiliani seemed very interested when they called with questions about SOLLOG.
As for Stern, self-proclaimed King of All Media, his death would surely set off another spate of public pouting similar to what we just went through with the princess.
Is he concerned with SOLLOG's dark vision?
I don't know.
According to his agent, Don Buchwald, Stern "does no interviews. This falls into that group."
That said, Stern's producer, at least, told me he is interested in what SOLLOG has to say.
"Maybe we'll bring him on," said Gary.
He'd better hurry. I may not have time to hear the interview.
When I asked SOLLOG for comment about his predictions, he issued a warning:
"If anyone in Philly reads this article and doesn't leave Philadelphia, they will die a tragic death with the Nuclear Accident that is about to occur at LIMERICK!"
