Condemnation

by Greg Ippolito

I'm certainly happy that teen pregnancy rates have dropped. Most teenage girls don't want to be pregnant, so this is a good thing. And this is another strike against the Christian right-wing which continues to preach the glory of abstinence; I never could figure out how keeping people from expressing physical love for one another was a positive thing. Then when pent-up, stressed-out maniacs start shooting people out of their car windows on the highway, we wonder why. Funny.

More sex, less unwanted pregnancy. Wonderful. The Philadelphia Daily News recently printed an article ("'Depo' Catches On,"Nov. 10) discussing Depo-Provera injections as the possible cure for teen pregnancy—a phenomenon the author described as "a scourge once considered unbeatable." I guess that means we're winning. That makes me feel good. The article was very informative. (I didn't even realize that teen pregnancy was a disease.)

The shot is a good thing, though. Teenage girls seem to have a good deal of trouble remembering to take their birth control pills. That's one pill you have to take, every day. That's hard. Takes a significant level of diligence and responsibility.

I remember hearing of that drug that came out in the 1950s called Thalidomide. It was that "morning sickness" drug that pregnant women were taking so that they, well, wouldn't get morning sickness. But that drug wasn't privy to the test of time, and some of those women found themselves giving birth to babies without arms. C'est la vie. This new injection had me worried at first because, well, it's so new. But then I remembered that these girls won't be getting pregnant, so I feel much better about it now.

The Philadelphia Daily News said that the Family Planning Council utilizes $360,000 in federal funding annually to administer Depo-Provera to teenage girls. I wonder how much tax money is spent on distribution of condoms and condom education? Probably not enough. So, please, allow me to offer some free advice, in layman's terms, to the teenagers of America.

To the boys, remember these five steps: 1. Buy condoms from a reliable place, like a drug store (not from the vending machine in the bathroom at the roller skating rink); 2. Keep the condoms in a cool place (not your wallet, or the glove compartment of your car); 3. Make sure that you use them before the expiration date; 4. Make sure you put the condom on correctly (it's not rocket science; ask your doctor or some adult you trust, if you're not sure), and; 5. Make sure you withdraw as soon as you reach orgasm.

To the girls: Carry your own condom supply, and follow the above advice with regard to your partner. Now girls, the parents may get a bit upset if they find you in possession of condoms. Some parents will understand, others won't. If yours are the latter, and they throw your condoms away in disgust, go behind their backs and buy more. Let's face it, you're going to have sex anyway, and getting grounded a few times between now and when you move out beats the hell out of dying.

Kids, if you follow the above advice, the chances of your contracting an STD and/or achieving an unwanted pregnancy are next to zero. So listen to me and go make love like crazy, we could use a bit more affection (safe affection) in this world. I think so, anyway.

Greg Ippolito is a local freelance writer. E-mail your ideas for a Slant column to altman@citypaper.net.