South Philly

Nothing says Philly better than South Philly and nothing says South Philly better than East Passyunk Avenue, where you can find anything from mobsters selling cigars to songwriters selling comic books.

So, come along, people, throw off the shackles of sterile mall mentality and head on down to a little corner of the world where, instead of Santa shilling overpriced Polaroid pictures, you're just as likely to see FBI agents on stakeout duty.

—--Davidoff 4000 Cigars from Geneva. The fine Swiss bad boys are the best of the bunch over at reputed mobster Joey Merlino's smokeshop.

Actually, there aren't a whole lot to choose from these days, according to one of the guys hanging out inside.

"Good cigars are hard to come by," says one of the boys, pointing to the empty case where boxes of cigars used to sit.

What does the boss and his guys like to smoke best?

Hemingway Classics.

"But we can't get those no more, so the Davidoffs will have to do," says one guy. $10 per cigar, $240 for a box of 24 at Avenue Cafe, 1939 E. Passyunk Ave.

—--Cupcake, the 8-month-old macaw. I know, the pet of choice this season is a Dalmatian, but let's face it, I'm sick of those spotted flea bags and so are you.

Cupcake, on the other hand, is no run-of-the-puppy-mill bichromatic freeloader. This multicolored bird is huge, in more ways than one.

But so is the responsibility.

The woman behind the counter at Paws and Claws Pet Shoppe, who calls herself "Pet," says Cupcake would make a wonderful gift for the right person.

Who is the right person?

"The person must be a macaw person," says Pet.

What's a Macaw person?

"Someone who knows about macaws and is not afraid of being around them. You have to be very careful with macaws. Their beaks can generate 3,000 pounds of pressure. That's enough to take off your finger."

Then again, goldfish are nice. $2,100 for the bird. Cages start at $600. Paws and Claws Pet Shoppe, 1834 E. Passyunk Ave., 463-1999.

—--Lady Joyce feather hat. If your giftee is not willing to make the commitment to a Macaw, try this stylish ostrich feather hat, a retro-esque throwback to the days of millinery glory wrought by Jackie O.

"This feather hat is not an everyday hat," warns Mi Ra, owner of the shop that sells the hat. "It is a special occasion hat."

Oh, and one more caveat.

Don't wear it to the zoo. $115 at Mi Ra Mi Ra, 1937 E. Passyunk Ave., 465-6699.

—--Cinema teddy and matching cover. Black and gold will be all the rage in the boudoir this year, says Antonella Filippone, working the counter at Whispers. This sexy Jon Bezduda combo, black outlined with gold, will be one of the hot items, adds Filippone.

The hottest, she says, will be the Maribou, with fake feathers on the sleeves.

But enough with the feathers already. $18 for the teddy, $21 for the cover at Whispers Intimate Apparel, 1735 E. Passyunk Ave., 462-5173.

—--MAD No. 10, April 1954. Back in the early '50s, comic books were the scourge of society, said to cause everything from juvenile delinquency to the heartbreak of psoriasis.

The comic book industry, trying to save its neck, developed a comics code in 1953, according to Gus Guidici, owner of The Comic Book Theater. No sex, no bondage, less violence.

Well, EC Comics, makers of a number of sexy, violent comics, decided not to play ball and scrapped their entire line. Instead, they came up with something even more subversive, MAD, which eventually morphed from the comic book into the magazine.

Originals of the comic book, however, are hard to come by, hence the hefty price tag, says Guidici. $500 at The Comic Book Theater, 1726 E. Passyunk Ave., 218-0558.

—--Nifty Fifty's boxers. For the guy or gal in your life who has everything, yet has been dying to say, "Hey baby, wanna see my Nifty Fifty?"$10 at Nifty Fifty's Restaurant, 1356 E. Passyunk Ave., 468-1950.

—--Honey spoon. The holiday gift flying out of Fante's this year is the gold-plated honey spoon, according to one company employee.

Have bees been particularly busy this year?

Or is society really on the eve of destruction after all?

However, if you are the type to avoid the trend-o'-the-moment, try the Cafe Frother, which froths up milk for your coffee. $3.99 for the spoon, $19.99 for the frother at Fante's Cookware, 1009 S. 9th St., 922-5557.

—--Bombard Tropik 305 10-foot inflatable dingy. If that special someone on your gift list is tired of cruising Delaware Avenue, the Bombard Tropik 305 will give a whole new meaning to cruising. Motor not included. $1,299 at E? Discount Marine, 1300 S. Columbus Blvd., 462-0900.

—--Highlander bagpipes. Hoot mon. Take the high road and give a wee set o' pipes for the squeezin'.

Ay, and they'll make ya' cry for bonnie old Scotland.

Or worse, if you don't learn how to play them. $272 ($250 for the bagpipe, $20 for the music book and $2 for a pair of earplugs) at Philadelphia Music Co., 1522 Snyder Ave., 336-1055.

—--Outlaw biker helmet. If your Harley heathen wants to tool around town without looking like a clown, the outlaw biker helmet is the gift to end all gifts.

Hey, hog lovers, it's either this or the studded leather thong thingie. And try telling Spike to try on one of those.

So motor on down to Dante's Den before the FBI shows up. $50 for the helmet, $44.95 for the thingie at Dante's Den, 635 Oregon Ave., DEN-5279.

— Howard Altman