December 18–25, 1997
disc quicks
X-mas disc X-travaganza
By Brian Howard and Patrick Rapa
Every year around this time, the music industry spews forth an ungodly slew of "brand new" Christmas music, opening up, yet again, the deep coffer of "public domain" Christmas carols. While some of the collections are a bit self-indulgent and most are thinly disguised cash cows, a few records put a new spin on the whole miserable Yuletide experience, making us remember just what this resplendent season is all about. What follows is an encapsulation of the highs, the lows and suggestions as to who would like what. We've graded each album on a scale of 0 to 5 elves, a system for which we have no explanation, nor an excuse.
Various Artists
Acid X-mas (Streetbeat Records)
featuring: D.J. Demonixx, Noel W. Sanger, Beat Dominator, Elf 7
description: phat beats with extemporaneous loops and samples of traditional X-mas ditties
sounds like: The Drum & Bass DJs Association office holiday party
perfect for: DJs of all ages
inherent holiday message: even during the holidays, melody is passé
2 elves
Various Artists
Merry Axemas (Epic)
featuring: Steve Vai, Brian Setzer, Joe Perry, Alex Lifeson, Jeff Beck
description: guitar gods get self-indulgent on X-mas tunes and self-congratulatory in the liner notes
sounds like: Christmas at the noodle factory—it's actually kinda fun
perfect for: frat boys of all ages
inherent holiday message: "Amazing Grace" is a Christmas song
4 1/2 elves
Plácido Domingo, Ying Huang, Michael Bolton
Merry Christmas From Vienna (Sony Classical)
featuring: The Vienna Symphony Orchestra
description: two of the world's most celebrated voices sing traditional and contemporary Christmas tunes backed by one of the world's most celebrated orchestras? and Michael Bolton
sounds like: stuffy, blue-blood puffery? and Michael Bolton
perfect for: no one, no one at all
inherent holiday message: really talented singers should include really untalented singers in their reindeer games
no elves
5 Chinese Brothers
A Window Shopper's Christmas (Prime CD)
featuring: guest appearances by Y'All and Susan McKeown
description: NY country rockers play original X-mas songs
sounds like: a white trash honky-tonk X-mas pageant
perfect for: erudite rednecks
inherent holiday message: finding your brother's porn stash is the gift that keeps on giving
3 elves
Judy Collins
Christmas at the Biltmore Estate (Elektra)
featuring: Judy Judy Judy
description: Judy performs original and traditional songs from her "favorite holiday"
sounds like: the queen of easy listening live in an echoey North Carolina mansion as a soundtrack to her forthcoming Christmas special
perfect for: hippies turned bankers
inherent holiday message: aging folkies—like capitalistic holiday ventures—never die
1 elf
Various Artists
A Very Special Christmas 3 (A&M)
featuring: Smashing Pumpkins, Mary J. Blige, No Doubt, Sheryl Crow, Hootie, Patti Smith, Enya
description: installment three of star popsters workin' it for the Special Olympics
sounds like: there's no "Christmas in Hollis" here, but, save for an embarrassing appearance by Chris Cornell, most this is quite good, perhaps the best of the crop
perfect for: anyone, really
inherent holiday message: even Hootie can't butcher a holiday standard too badly
4 1/2 elves
Asleep at the Wheel
Merry Texas Christmas, Y'all (High Street Records)
featuring: guest appearances by Willie Nelson & Tish Hinojosa
description: Texas two-step swingers heat up the holidays
sounds like: armadillo roadkill courtesy of a one-horse open sleigh
perfect for: Billy Ray Cyrus
inherent holiday message: it's funny to spend "Xmas in Jail"
4 elves
Allen Toussaint & Friends
A New Orleans Christmas (NYNO)
featuring: Larry Hamilton, Raymond Myles, Grace Darling, Tricia Boutté, New Birth Brass Band
description: Toussaint & Co. backed by an all-star cast of vocalists and players
sounds like: Philly Soul via the Big Easy
perfect for: Huey Long
inherent holiday message: crawdads ain't a traditional holiday dish, but perhaps they oughta be
3 1/2 elves
Various Artists
A Traditional Jazz Christmas (GRP)
featuring: Louis Armstrong, Peggy Lee, Mel Torme, Lionel Hampton, Soulful Strings, Les Brown
description: the best swing, bop, vocal and fusion jazz artists playing original and standard X-mas songs, recorded between 1955 and 1968
sounds like: the best swing, bop, vocal and fusion jazz artists playing original and standard X-mas songs, recorded between 1955 and 1968
perfect for: anyone with a pulse
inherent holiday message: the best musicians are, coincidentally, dead musicians
5 elves
Dave Koz
December Makes Me Feel This Way: A Holiday Album (Capitol)
featuring: singsongy soprano saxophone
description: what Kenny G hath wrought
sounds like: X-mas at the dentist's office
perfect for: dentists
inherent holiday message: X-mas tunes can disguise the high-pitched sounds of drilling through enamel
no elves
Susan McKeown and Lindsey Horner
Through the Bitter Frost and Snow (Prime CD)
featuring: emotive, breathy vocals + sparse instrumentation = a wild time at the X-mas party
description: "Songs For The Winter Season"; 'XPN-style alt-folk with traditional Celtic overtones
sounds like: what Natalie Merchant hath wrought, in a good way, kinda
perfect for: aging hippies turned NPR/PBS employees/subscribers
inherent holiday message: X-mas is a chilly time on the Northern Hemisphere
3 1/2 elves
Hanson
Snowed In (Mercury)
featuring: "Everybody Knows the Claus" (an original song & a good argument for converting to any other religion)
description: 3 little Aryan girls doing Jackson Five doing a school Christmas pageant
sounds like: smells like pre-teen spirit
perfect for: your pre-pube sister
inherent holiday message: God no longer has a hand in the affairs of humanity
1/2 elf
Various Artists
The Soul Train Christmas Starfest Album (Epic)
featuring: En Vogue, New Edition, Boys II Men
description: Christmas with attitude, especially on James Brown's "Santa Claus Goes Straight to the Ghetto"
sounds like: Delaware Ave.
perfect for: everyone who thought "Silent Night" should be sexier
inherent holiday message: Natalie Cole can sing without digging up her dad
4 elves
Ray Stevens
Christmas Through a Different Window (MCA Nashville)
featuring: "The Little Drummer Boy—Next Door"
description: trailer park humor & forced rhymes from the guy who did "The Streak"
sounds like: inbreeding has gotten a bad rap all these years
perfect for: those who think Jeff Foxworthy sold out
inherent holiday message: rednecks can be funny even when they're trying to be funny
3 elves
Andrei Codrescu
Valley of Christmas (Gert Town Records)
featuring: mood music by Mark Bingham
description: a 67-minute, 36-track story
sounds like: a subtler Yakov Smirnov
perfect for: the blind (don't tell them we wrote that)
inherent holiday message: it's 67 minutes! we don't have the time to find the message
3 elves
Jaymz Bee & the Royal Jelly Orchestra
A Christmas Cocktail (BMG)
featuring: a bunch of hipsters who thought Swingers was an instructional video
description: terribly authentic Nickelodeon TV Land stuff, a White Christmas indeed
sounds like: the Squirrel Nut Zippers have started a mess they can't possibly clean up
perfect for: turn in your bowling shirt, the kitsch era has ended, go in peace
inherent holiday message: "cutting edge" frat boys
1 elf
David Arkenstone
Enchantment: A Magical Christmas (Narada Mystique)
featuring: songs called "Quest of the Dream Warrior" & "Citizen of Time"
description: music elevators would be embarrassed to play
sounds like: woodwind, flutes & other instruments being drugged and made to perform unspeakable acts
perfect for: PBS travelogue music
inherent holiday message: new age is dying of old age
1 1/2 elves
Jim Brickman
The Gift (Windham Hill)
featuring: the daring "sheet music" approach
description: a young guy playing old people music
sounds like: somebody should move out of his parents' house
perfect for: evening out a wobbly desk
inherent holiday message: see what happens when mothers force lessons down a child's throat?
2 elves
Various Artists
Xmas Marks The Spot (Rykodisc)
featuring: Kristin Hersh doing a folked-up version of "Silent Night"
description: eclectic mix of elsewhere available music from the '60s on up
sounds like: a Rykodisc promotional catalog
perfect for: moody people
inherent holiday message: see, and no one had to involve a drummer boy or anything
4 elves
Dordan
The Night Before a Celtic Christmas (Narada Lotus)
featuring: a Twin Peaks-like version of "Silent Night"
description: traditional Irish tunes sung in Gaelic
sounds like: they're singing backwards
perfect for: any of the six Americans who know Gaelic
inherent holiday message: there is no Gaelic word for a-rum-pa-pum-pum
3 1/2 elves
Various Artists
Season's Greetings Philadelphia (Masterwork)
featuring: Tommy Conwell, Rolling Hayseeds, Eltro, The Friggs
description: Philly rockers pull an all-nighter
sounds like: a big brotherly love X-mas orgy
perfect for: all those nay-saying Philly music scene bashers
inherent holiday message: the more (distortion) the merrier
4 1/3 elves
Random notes:
Most disturbing trend: instrumental versions of "What Child is This" (Jim Brickman, David Atcheson), plus a vocal version by Judy Collins that should have skipped on the vocals.
Hip song to cover/interpret: "Little Drummer Boy." Kenny Burrell on A Traditional Jazz Christmas; Alex Lifeson on Merry Axemas; Randall Atcheson and Jaymz Bee do straight covers. Plus Ray Stevens' "The Little Drummer Boy—Next Door," Evan Johns and his H-Bombs' "The Little Cajun Drummer Boy" (Xmas Marks the Spot), Asleep at the Wheel's "Swingin' Drummer Boy," and D.J. Voodoo vs. Mr. Knightlife do "Little Drumma's Dub" on Acid X-mas.
Contemporary song quickly becoming an X-mas standard: "Christmas Time is Here" from the Charlie Brown Christmas Special (Steve Vai, Merry Axemas).
Biggest butchery of a traditional X-mas tune: "Ave Maria" by Chris Cornell and Eleven (A Very Special Christmas 3) proving that the voice of grunge should stick to English.
Best adaptation of a traditional X-mas tune: "Oi to the World," by No Doubt (A Very Special Christmas 3) which preaches peace between punks and skins and the fact that having a "Sword like the guy from Indiana Jones" is way cool.
Most disturbing revelation, politically incorrect division: There was not a single Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or otherwise ethnically diverse album in the lot (although a few records did contain token Hanukkah tracks). If you're not into Christ, this year's crop ain't for you.
Most disturbing revelation, personal division: Sheryl Crow rules—my guiltiest pleasure yet, "Blue Christmas" (A Very Special Christmas 3) (B.H.)
