Also this issue: Fan-tastic For the past 20 years, a group of self-styled freedom fighters has been sneaking into the Vet. -Daryl Gale Exit the Unicorn Einhorn's conviction is a sweet victory for those he's haunted for 25 years. -Howard Altman Fear of God and Taxes -Mary F. Patel Behind the Green Door -Daniel Brook Diverse Opinions A Daily News award rankles critics. -Deborah Bolling Can't Please Everybody The Inquirer's been accused of lots of things, but being too conservative may be a first. -D.B Dueling Dooling Newspaper Guild leaders differ on a new deal. -D.B "Rat" Infestation -D.B

October 24-30, 2002

the bell curve

The Bell Curve

City Paper's weekly gauge of Philly's Quality of Life

PGW employee fired after allegedly pissing on customer's baseball card collection. Owner angry till he realizes if guy kills himself, cards will like triple in value. Minus 3

or: Odds are he’d accidentally set them on fire first.

or: Hey, it coulda been worse -- he coulda been lighting farts.

School District opens community relations office to improve ties with neighborhoods and businesses. Corner stores that sell cigarettes to kids believe ties are just fine. Plus 3

During Eagles game, city tows dozens of fans’ cars from residential blocks near stadium. Funny -- neighbors have been complaining for years, but it took a new stadium deal in which teams get the parking revenues to get some action. Plus 1

or: “Look at it this way,” says Parking Authority spokesman, “half those cars would have ended up wrapped around utility poles in Jersey anyway.”

or: Parking Authority finds office windows smashed and batteries all over the floor.

Northeast woman who posed as heiress found guilty of fraud. She’ll forfeit entire estate -- three cases of Aqua Net, a “Bruise Brothers” Flyers T-shirt and an ’82 Camaro. Plus 1

or: Hey, being heir to a bar on the first floor of a corner rowhome is like being royalty in the Northeast.

or: But she is the finest-lookin’ lady in the Fuddrucker’s.

Jazz musician Byard Lancaster sues SEPTA over arrest last summer for playing sax in a subway station. Witnesses, who were peeing in the corners at the time, say arrest was unjustified. Plus 2

or: That, and the escalator that tore off his foot.

or: SEPTA's defense -- "How would you like it if we drove a bus through Tritone?" -- not expected to hold up in court.

Thieves steal valuable wrought-iron gate surrounding historic cemetery in North Philly. Cops suspect the thieves will fence it. Minus 2

ACLU launches anti-profiling ad campaign inspired by instances of wrongful detention in Philly. Local school kids rally in support, until someone explains it's not that kind of detention. Plus 1

Two former cops get probation for sending anthrax joke over computers in squad cars. Too bad they weren't driving drunk at the time, they would have gotten away with it. Plus 1

Eagles fans cheer when Tampa Bay's Warren Sapp appears to be injured. But nobody egged Sapp's mom, so all in all it was a good day for the city. Minus 1

or: Sapp responds: Dudes, where are your cars?

City sues hundreds of landlords who have ignored orders to remove paint and other sources of lead from properties where kids live. Landlords consider natural selection defense. Plus 4

City schools show small gains in statewide tests. The bad news: they were pregnancy tests. Plus 5

Widow of West Philly man who died after 10 months with experimental artifical heart sues, saying his quality of life was poor. For example, the doctors made him stop eating fried Mars bars. Minus 1

Meteorologist John Bolaris leaves NBC 10 for personal reasons. Later upgrades explanation to severe personal reasons, then personal reasons of the century. Plus 1

or: Its just as well -- every woman in Philly had heard his warm front line.

or: Once youre hooked, shaving your chest becomes a full-time job.

Score for the week: 12