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Also this issue: Turn the Beat Around Homeward Bound Lend Us A Tenor Critic's Calendar
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January 9-15, 2003
cover story
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Up against a (college admissions/grant application/other kind of bullshit personal testament) deadline? In the interest of saving you time and effort, City Paper presents:
Essay #1: Write about an experience that strengthened your character and demonstrates definitively that you are a better person than your peers.
During winter break my freshman year, a (natural disaster) hit (island nation without Starbucks, or plumbing). I had planned to vacation in (island nation without Starbucks, or natural disasters): the (dying local civic organization) had awarded me a trip in gratitude for my work as local coordinator for the Million (noun) March. But I recognized my fluency in (language spoken on disaster-strewn island nation) and skill at (chapter title from Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook) could come in handy as a relief worker, and I did what (illustrious alumnus) would have done and went where conditions were most (adjective from Morrissey song).
When I arrived, I saw that the carnage was so vast, there was very little left to do. Me and the few remaining relief workers -- the rest having been scared off by the swarms of (insect whose sting causes localized inflammation of skin or death) -- spent most of our days standing around and (activity for which Local 386 Teamsters get $31.70 an hour). I was beginning to think I had wasted my vacation. And then I met Charles.
Charles was poor. His father had earned the bulk of his income from (Internet-based company) and so could no longer afford even the minimal couture of (indigenous manufacturer who makes clothes out of hay) or H&M. His classmates (ritual verb of teenage abuse) him mercilessly for his lamentable attire during his daily (number of Mets who engage in drug use)-mile trek to school past the burning corpses, victims of the tragic genocide that had been savaging the nation for centuries. But what held Charles back, I realized, was his struggle with (mental-health disease your grandparents maintain is not a disease, but a lack of gumption).
I had brought along extra urban wear from (hip-hop designer), expecting that the surplus surface area of the fabric would prove useful in fashioning tourniquets, and I gave it to him. Of course, I recalled from notes I had taken during childhood dinner-table conversations about psychotherapy practices, clothing alone will not bring someone around. So I gave him (clothing accessory) as well. The change in Charles¹ mindset was palpable. His eyes brightened, and his classmates began calling him (Charlie, Chuck or Chaz). A few still teased him, because he remained (adjective that teenagers annually spend millions to remedy) and stumpy, but he was on his way.
A few months later, I received a package in the mail: a (cruelty-free, handmade noun). It remains on my desk to this day, reminding me that it is not (item we spend our lives trying to accumulate), but (intangible trait) that separates the (large thing) from the (small thing).
Essay #2: Why do you want to continue your education at our university?
Your school has been my first choice for undergraduate study since I was (youngest age at which memory is plausible), when I first heard the strains of "(Verb)ing On ol¹ (Place)," the school¹s alma mater, emanating from the record player of my parents, both alums. More recently, I¹ve been drawn to your program in (noun)ology, the finest in the Big (number greater than eight, less than 15 or so) conference. Not long ago, I read Professor (noun)ovsky¹s latest book, "(impetuous overstatement)," which, sadly, was banned in (country ending in -ussia).
To test his theories on a local level, I sold all my (things you¹re embarrassed you still have anyway) at a garage sale to pay for materials to build a (random string of letters)scope. I found that the theory not only proved applicable, but that with a few modifications, it had the unexpected side effect of (something warm and fuzzy that oil companies pretend they do). Now, hundreds around the world use alternative (noun), saving not only (the first number that popped into your head, times a thousand) dollars but also ensuring the survival of the (useless animal). "(Your name) truly does not know the meaning of the word (word that all native English speakers know the meaning of)¹," said our town¹s mayor upon awarding me the Local Spirit award at the Honored Eagle Scouts ceremony. But (expression of humility).
Of course, in addition to the nights at (first wife of illustrious alumnus) Hall, ferreting out clues to (unexplainable phenomena that religious types gloat over), I know that (aphorism advocating importance of leisure). I relish the prospect of coffee-fueled conversations at your student union, The (forced-sounding casualism). Maybe I¹ll even (innocuous act of spirited campus vandalism punishable by nominal $50 fine) to let off some steam. I can¹t wait to infuse your campus green with the spirit of your beloved mascot, the Marauding (animal that does not maraud)!
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