October 23-29, 2003

slant

Dear George

The president's in box.

by Bruce Stockler

My son e-mailed President Bush this week as part of his fourth-grade computer class. I spend half my day on the Web, deluding myself that I am actually hard at work, yet had no idea our commander in chief was online.

What a great country! No wonder so many people hate us. Can you imagine trying to e-mail a complaint or suggestion to Jiang Zemin or Kim Jong Il or King Fahd Bin-Abd-al-Aziz Al Sa'ud? I don't think so! Not if you don't want to spend eternity sleeping in the same hole as your busted-up CPU.

to: president@whitehouse.gov

from: stockler@optonline.net

9:45 a.m. Dear Mr. President: I wanted to compliment you on the awesome job you are doing in the war against terror! Hoo-ha! I am sure you will have Saddam Hussein tied up in a burlap bag any day now. Don't let the liberals and the French and Ted Kennedy get you discouraged! They're all just jealous. Or drunk. I'm sure you know what I mean.

10:56 a.m. What is the average wake-up time for a president? Did the presidents who lived before the invention of electricity wake up earlier than you?

11:18 a.m. My primary care physician, Dr. Brett Bernstein, bet me $10 that presidents are not allowed to take sick days. How can you be leader of the free world and not have unlimited sick days and personal days? Do you have to call someone and say you're sick and hold the calls? He owes me $10, right?

12:43 p.m. My friend, Dave, says you could beat President Kennedy in a fistfight. I'm not too sure about Eisenhower, though -- he looks like he fights dirty. I know you could take Saddam in about 10 seconds, even if he had a razor in his mouth. Boy, that would be one sweet pay-per-view show.

12:44 p.m. If a TV commercial really bothers you, will the CIA do anything about it?

2:46 p.m. I just read that someone is making a remake of The Warriors, the awesome gang movie from the '70s. I swear, Mr. President, that was my idea! Like about 10 years ago! Just wanted to keep you updated. Intellectual property is the most important real estate we Americans have.

2:55 p.m. When President Clinton moved out, did he hand over a big jangly set of keys? (I wouldn't want Bill Clinton to have keys to my house if I had young daughters.) If a president loses some of the White House keys, do all the locks get changed? Is there a front door key? Does Alexander Haig still have any keys?

3:07 p.m. If a former president like, say, Abraham Lincoln, left behind any underwear or socks or baseball cards, what happens to them? Is there a lost and found just for presidents and first ladies and their kids? Is there ever a tag sale for unclaimed merchandise?

3:44 p.m. If you like it cold during the winter and the first lady likes the heat turned way up, who wins? My wife is always cold, so I have to keep the house heated like a flower shop. It must be so great to tell your wife, Hey, turn the heat down -- commander in chief over here. You must sleep really super well.

4:22 p.m. Random idea: If the first lady ever complains you left the toilet seat up, you can blame it on Lincoln's ghost. I don't get any breaks at my house.

6:13 p.m. Do you still carry your wallet? Why would the president ever need his wallet? Do you still have your Texas driver's license? Do presidents get special ID cards?

7:34 p.m. Does anyone check the White House gas and electric bill for mistakes? Does anyone in the Oval Office ever smell gas? I smell gas all the time. Con Edison won't even come out to the house anymore.

10:13 p.m. Getting cold now, sir. I'd like to send you $5 to buy a venti mocha latte. If you don't drink latte drinks, you should try it. It's not as girlie as it sounds. I'd just like to know I did something concrete to support you. I'd go over and handle the Saddam thing myself, but I'm 43 now and allergic to extreme heat and the sand makes me sneeze. Otherwise I'd be signed up.

Bruce Stockler¹s memoir, I Sleep at Red Lights: A True Story of Life After Triplets (St. Martin¹s Press), is now available. If you would like to respond to this Slant or have one of your own (850 words), contact Howard Altman, City Paper editor in chief, 123 Chestnut St., third floor, Phila., PA 19106 or e-mail altman@citypaper.net.