October 30-November 5, 2003

cover story

Ice Storm 2003

by A.D. Amorosi

In this abbreviated anti-everything rant, your favorite mean-ass gossip reduces everything he's hated -- so far -- about the year, to a simple, sour list.

• The oxymoronic nightmare phrase every publicist uses: Local celebrities.

• The idea of a Philly Fish Cheesesteak.

• Too many cabaret/performance-art thingies. Brecht is rolling in his grave.

• The glut of locals on Friendster, the most desperate website on the planet, only too happy to tell you they're there.

• The heated frenzy over Justin and Cameron from usually reserved music folk (or denial of said frenzy).

• The Daily News' Sexy Singles cover.

• The lie that is Neil Stein -- the last interview.

• Doylestown's Justin Guarini gone mad: tickets for unsafe boat operation, yelling at police before being kicked out of a public park. He's this close to being Margot Kidder.

• The glut of '80s-esque outfits and haircuts worn throughout clubland by kids who aren't Hedi Slimane.

• The phrases SoWash, P-Treaty and No-Lib (the last of which is still the worst place to live in Philly).

• The small glut of local-rock prima donnas who believe their services are more necessary than they really are (asking for more money, canceling gigs).

• The fact that Philly seems to be getting some of the most frightening newscasters on the Eastern seaboard. It's as if John Waters is casting for the networks. (Don't get me started on Glenn Hurricane Schwartz shaving that mustache.) Darn near makes you miss John Bolaris.

•That Strawbridge's in Center City was the scene of a male prostitution sting that netted 11 suspects. That was just the furniture department.

• That getting a column in a Philadelphia paper really doesn't seem that hard anymore.

• That not only was John Kerry guilty of ordering a cheesesteak with Swiss and nibbling it as if it was full of lady fingers while campaigning at Pat's Steaks in August, the Dem presidential candidate had his spokesperson, Robert Gibbs, state to the Inquirer that the candidate was not taking a dainty nibble. I suspect that Kerry was thinking about provolone cheese but became distracted by thinking of the more than 3 million jobs that have slipped through the holes of George W. Bush's economic plan.

• New York Press' best-of issue bitching that Philly's decade-old mag, Magnet, trades positive reviews in exchange for advertising dollars. That after NYP still owes me money for a story. Magnet, on the other hand, pays me on time.

• On the good tip: It's been nice seeing La Croix in Esquire, ex-Philly-Fox-TV guy Mike Jerrick flourishing on the network's morning show, The Roots in Time and me in US Weekly.