icepack

by A.D. Amorosi

Resolutions for the dissolute: Every December, wannabe wry writers come up with supposedly funny things they should/shouldn’t do in the coming year. How Dave Barry. Since mastering my own zen (Diet Pimp Juice, low-carb vodka and filterless Marlboros) my resolutions this year are for you. 1) Listen to your parking people: Valets and lot guys are the new information society. Those maintaining the lot at the Wa! (my new name for the Wachovia Center) told me the worst act for dumb "frat-boy" crowds was Dave Matthews. "Too stoned and out of control," says one gent who wished to remain anonymous. Apparently even Matthews knows how stoned his audience is, and mocks their rabid devotion by simply singing "do re mi" and watching the applause. DUH! And I’m not even going to tell you which local fashion/lifestyle publication had the "cheesiest ever Christmas party" at the newly regroomed Pompeii, according to its valets. 2) Watch your hat and coat: For Christmas, Saint Jack’s bartender Chris Kane gave me big books full of depositions from his wrongful termination suit against his old employer, Capital Grille. The suit concerned a hostess and a randy pair of downtown notables making ooga-booga in the coat room. Lots on this later! 3) Couch those references to your zealous reading of Gawker.com. 4) Get a documentary made: After Philadelphian Nathaniel Kahn’s ode to his father, My Architect, Stef Renee’s No Such Thing as NeoSoul and Jimi Mooney’s look at his alter ego, Helen Back, Philly in "04 will be filled with necessary and unnecessary docu-takes on everything from its mayoral process (City Paper and University of the Arts’ collaboration, Election Day) to gay public-access hosts (In Bed with Butch host Butch Cordora). The trend will become truly sickening when a doc is made on me -- possible titles: Does He or Doesn’t He?, If Evil Had a Name (it would just be his initials) or Angel(o)s in America. Speaking of WYBE’s Cordora, DENIM approached him "out of the blue" for a weekly gay Sunday party, starting Jan. 4. "PORN" will star shirtless bar-boys and Butch "dressing outrageous." 5) Stop caring about M. Night Shyamalan’s incessant film parties, like his hopefully final bash at World Fusion. He won’t care when you boogie down for your documentary. 6) Start a magazine and throw its release party on New Year’s Eve: Kali Morgan did it. Morgan celebrates her mag, Passional (also the new name of her Fetishes Boutique), with what she promises will be an "unforgettable party and an uncostumed swim," at Pennsport Athletic Club (325 Bainbridge St.). Lapdance mag is also partying, toasting the winner of their 2004 January cover contest at Tribecca’s post-2 a.m. New Year’s celebration. 7) Watch what you eat: I understand mad cows are around, so the very best NYE bashes -- at Tragos and 450, Suede’s bash co-hosted by Paperstreet and CP’s own Rachel Furman, Shampoo’s "Jackpot" party with Frank and Steven of Real World Las Vegas, Young Professional’s Reading Terminal Market party -- feature sushi VIP rooms. But surely there’ll be some form of "punk’d-ing" going on, as in, "Man, that ebe was illin," or, "Wasn’t that eel green along the gills?" 8) Pretend you’re leaving Philly: Though he stated that last week’s eighth-anniversary celebration was his Vesago’s last electro-show, DJ Dr. Octo-Pussy (a.k.a. Octavio) unleashes "Shock! Therapy," a monthly (first Fridays) at Tribecca on Jan. 2, with a party featuring rope bondage and Mighty Mike. After leaving Power 99’s airwaves, covering the Grammys for Extra and writing Wendy’s Got the Heat, hip-hop gossip Wendy Williams returns to 99 FM, 3 p.m. every day, starting Jan. 12. 9) Get married: Along with ex-Phillyite Audrey O'Brien marrying The Psychedelic Furs’ Tim Butler (was she pretty in pink?) and promoter Allan Lane engaging Amy Bareither, John Falcetta will not only celebrate his Nantucket elopement to his wife, Lauren (of Bar Noir), with a New Year’s Eve/Day celebration at The Ritz-Carlton’s Grand Ballroom, he also just opened a dance spot, Medusa, on South 21st Street, in the former home of J.J.’s Grotto. Unlike the coolly unpretentious Medusa, Falcetta also has plans for ventures in the medium-costly and way-costly range.Ö WhoWhatWhere: PR princess Lizzie Grubman was spied waltzing down Walnut Street. Does it have anything to do with her MTV show? Ashanti stopped in at MilkBoy studios to sing holiday songs with the 76ers for their "Joy to the World" holiday extravaganza. Maria Cuccinello appeared on Extra from her post at Neiman Marcus, hawking the anti-Botox "Natura Bisse." The Roots backed up guests Aesop Rock, Jean Grae and company, playing their songs during The TLA Okayplayer gigs. That was Schoolly D spinning in the window of Echo Chic, the boutique owned by his missus, Jennifer Ramsay, on Christmas and New Year’s eves. Ho Ho Ho.

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