January 22-28, 2004

pretzel logic

Offensive Defense

by Howard Altman

You are never going to convince me that two men or two women getting married will do anything to undermine harmony and fidelity in "traditional" families throughout the nation.

"Traditional" families are very good at undoing things on their own, thank you very much. Consider the recent, albeit extreme cases of the jealous doctor who allegedly killed his wife then staged a phony accident to cover his trail. Or the Uzbek immigrant who brutally stabbed his lover, then had his wife cover his tracks as he fled the country, while his shamed parents committed suicide.

There are millions of other tensions and squabbles in so-called traditional families.

Two men or two women getting married won't change that dynamic one iota.

Which is why I could not help laughing when so many congresspeople stood up in righteous indignation to applaud the president when he said he would seek a constitutional amendment if judges continue to allow gay marriages, thus circumventing the aptly named Defense of Marriage Act.

The U.S. Capitol has never been a citadel of marital virtue, yet many of its denizens are standing with smug smiles, acting as though, finally, "traditional" families will soon be healed because men won't be allowed to marry men and women won't be allowed to marry women.

Maybe they really believe it.

I don't.

Marriage is a challenge. I say this as a married father of three who has spent the past 14-plus years in the bonds of holy matrimony. Suffice it to say that when we are facing our challenges, we don't get overly distracted worrying about encroaching homosexuality. Nor does it come up much during our moments of joy.

I have never once said to my wife, "Gee honey, I really can't turn off that football game, gays are getting married."

Like most couples, we do what we do and don't do what we don't do entirely at our own rhythm, as well it should be. And if we can be married, why not everybody?

You will also never convince me that the hundreds of millions of children without parents in this world will be any better off once we throw up permanent roadblocks to people who have rushed in to make homes for some of those kids.

I know many children, adopted by same-sex couples, who are far better off now. Their parents do as parents do -- the best they can.

None of that matters, however, to those standing tall and smug.

The men and women who were cheering and clapping in the House chambers Tuesday night are true believers, saving God-fearing America from the homo-sexshul scourge.

Both versions of the Bible have unkind words about same-sex connubiality. The Quran does too.

And in these God-fearing times, when the Lord's name is thrown around by presidents and cave-dwellers alike in the name of their respective causes, the politicians who work so hard to gain entree to this hallowed place are not going to risk upsetting the Bible-thumpers who believe that fiery eternal damnation is the gay person's ultimate reward.

I have the utmost respect for men and women who truly believe in the religions of their choosing, because many of those people are my friends and some are relations.

But, like my marriage, theirs haven't come under sudden attack by marauding queers. Like mine, theirs will be no better, or worse, with a constitutional amendment.

A year or so ago, at a meeting with Malcolm Lazin to discuss his Equality Forum, the subject of gay marriage came up.

I told him that the next logical step after gay marriage is gay divorce and herein too is another situation where "traditional" families have no better a track record, nor worse, on such matters.

I have seen "traditional" marriages break up and partners behave both miserably -- especially when it came to their kids -- and magnificently, stifling pettiness to do right by the little ones.

The same widely different reactions exist in my gay friends with children who have split. I have seen bitter battles over children and the loving sharing of responsibilities.

I also know many couples, gay and het, who work out what needs to be worked out to keep the family together.

Face it. The essence of marriage is two loving, committed people. The essence of family is well-cared-for children.

Why, Mr. President, would we want a constitutional amendment to defend against that?