February 5-11, 2004

slant

Bang, Zoom

George Bush and the moon.

by Jonathan McGoran

So George W. Bush wants to send a man to the moon. I’m all for the idea. Maybe we could vote on whom to send -- and not one of those rigged, electoral college-type votes either, but an honest-to-goodness, "the guy with the most votes wins" kind of vote. This time, a lot more people might vote Republican on purpose.

When I first heard about the plan, I thought, "That's it; we've run out of countries to annoy on this planet." My second reaction was, "I didn't know there was oil on the moon!" (I mean come on, space "exploration?" We all know what "exploration" really means.) Then I thought, "Maybe that's where those pesky weapons of mass destruction are hiding. Or Osama bin Laden. The moon does look a lot like Afghanistan."

There are many reasons to go to the moon. The low gravity would be easy on Dick Cheney's heart, and let's face it; he's not getting any younger. And there will be plenty for him to do up there, because Halliburton will surely prove to be uniquely indispensable in some obscenely profitable lunar niche.

Another reason for going to the moon is the incidental technologies that would emerge from the effort. The first moon program produced technological innovations like Teflon, which was so helpful to Ronald Reagan. Perhaps George Bush is hoping we'll develop a revolutionary new technology to help keep his scandals from sticking.

A massive program to put a man on the moon might also kick-start America's lagging educational system, as students across the country are swept up in a wave of scholarly enthusiasm. It was probably the Apollo program that inspired George W. Bush's academic achievements.

One reason to go back to the moon would be as a jumping point to get to Mars. And a man on Mars -- now that would be something. Then again, we are already building an international space station. Wouldn't that be the ideal place from which to jump off to Mars? A little too "international," I guess.

There are more practical reasons to put a man on Mars. If we can prove that man can live on another planet, there's no need to stop trashing our own. In fact, if we prove humans can live on a planet that has no ozone layer, we can stop worrying about the holes in the one here on earth.

The more I thought about the moon, the more I kept coming back to the basic question of how we would get there. Looking at the Bush energy policy, I assumed it would probably have something to do with "clean coal." Then I thought about the Bush tax cuts, the billions we are spending on the war in Iraq, the corporate tax giveaways and the other insane fiscal policies. Suddenly, it dawned on me, and it is sheer genius: an interplanetary propulsion system powered by red ink.

But apparently, the plan is to get to the moon with little initial increase in NASA's budget. Hopefully, this won't turn out like the funding plan for the Iraqi occupation: Put a man on the moon with no budget increase, and after he gets there tell Congress it'll cost $87 billion to get him back.

Of course, getting a man on the moon won't even be possible until after the Bush administration is over, even if there is a second term. And this President Bush doesn't have a son ready to follow him. But he does have a brother. A brother to whom he owes a big favor. A brother with presidential aspirations of his own. (I can picture it now -- a back room in Florida -- mid-2000 -- presidential candidate George W. Bush whispers to his brother, "You deliver Florida, Jeb, and I'll promise you the moon.")

When it comes down to it, though, I think the main reason to go to back to the moon is the simple allure of space. Ask any five-year-old and they'll tell you: nothing could be cooler than spaceships and astronauts.

Come to think of it, we should ask the five-year-olds what they think; after all, they are the ones who will be paying for it.

Jonathan McGoran is a copywriter, and columnist and editor of The Weavers Way Shuttle, a community newspaper in the Mt. Airy section of Philadelphia. If you would like to respond to this Slant or have one of your own (850 words), contact Howard Altman, City Paper editor in chief, 123 Chestnut St., third floor, Phila., PA 19106 or e-mail altman@citypaper.net.