March 11-17, 2004

slant

The F'ing GOP

How the FCC turned one Republican to the left.

by Brian Hickey

I’ve always worked in a den of liberalism. Well, except for that 15-month stint in South Carolina, during which I angered a few valued readers by reminding them -- in a column bluntly exhorting then-Gov. David Beasley to remove the Confederate flag from the Statehouse -- that the Civil War was long over. (And that we Yankees had kicked their asses.)

I offer that background by way of introduction. You see, all the while, I’d been a bit of an outsider. At each newspaper I’ve worked at since, I’ve been the token conservative. Not that I’d ever let that political bend surface in the stories I’ve covered. In fact, it’s downright impossible to work the crime beat and not feel sympathy for your common man. Or to be managing news editor of an alternative weekly, for that matter. But the times, good people, they are a-changing, to the point that I have to say something loudly and proudly: The Republicans and their mind-control industrial complex have gone too far. So far that I’m taking the unprecedented step of supporting their foes come November. (This, even though I still think vegans ought to eat some friggin’ meat and that even if no WMDs were found, the Iraqi bitch-slapping was no war for oil.)

To what does John Kerry owe this bandwagon visit? Howard Stern.

The initial plan for this column was simple: With all due respect to George Carlin, construct a sentence using seven specific words that are banned from radio. For the sake of clarity, gratuity and specificity, they are: Shit. Piss. Fuck. Cunt. Cocksucker. Motherfucker. Tits. Why, you may ask, did the plan not come to fruition? For one, I wasn’t sure whether "piss tits" would be considered grammatically correct.

Proper usage aside, another thought was nagging me: Should said words appear in this publication, would the Federal Communications Commission swoop in and empty six City Paper honor boxes before fining our owners for not properly reining me in?

Still, upon hearing the absurd news that my brethren in a half-dozen American cities woke up one February morning only to learn that they couldn’t get their daily Stern fix, I wanted to avenge them.

Here’s how it started: Stern had Paris Hilton’s video partner in studio Feb. 24 and in the middle of a typically crass conversation, a caller dropped an offensive racial slur. From there, corporate behemoth Clear Channel -- they of a rumored love connection with Dubya -- yanked the Stern show from six of its stations. (Or was it just because he criticized the president on-air?)

"[We] drew a line in the sand … with regard to protecting our listeners," explained Clear Channel CEO John Hogan.

Argue all you want about the fact that kids can easily hear Stern during morning drive time or that he can be downright offensive. Fair arguments both, but nobody has the right to tell people what kind of sense of humor they can have. The slur was wrong and hurtful but Stern’s comedic foil, a black woman named Robin Quivers, didn’t seem too offended. Now, thanks to the powers that be, humor is disappearing from the show. Instead, Stern’s left to worry whether he’ll be permanently ripped off the air. The FCC’s asinine, nipple-inspired, flavor-of-the-election-year "zero tolerance" (for obscenity) policy smells of a smokescreen. By pandering to their religious-right base, these honchos decided they know what’s best for us. And for that, they’ve already lost a supporter who wants others to join him.

Last week, I e-mailed friends asking for their favorite Stern moments:

"Homeless jeopardy. They gave the guy $10K and followed him with a camera as he spent it on clothes, jewelry, alcohol and a party. … He was back on the streets exactly where he was a week later."

"How about Fred’s bachelor party when Fred passed out drunk and they had gay Rich giving him a lap dance?"

"Howard interviewing two fat people with Richard Simmons while holding fried chicken on a fishing pole in front of them."

None of those classic memories added value to the public discourse unless you consider our right to choose our own entertainment -- and the First Amendment -- important. Now, in their heart of hearts, nobody thinks homelessness, obesity or unwelcomed dry humping is a laughing matter. (OK, maybe the dry humping.) But that’s precisely what Bible thumpers past and present have always failed to grasp, whether it be about a radio shock jock or reproductive rights: People can -- and should -- think for themselves.

No wonder they’re so scared.

Brian Hickey is City Paper’s managing editor/news. He requests that you don’t hold him responsible for his actions should WYSP drop the Howard Stern show. If you would like to respond to this Slant or have one of your own (800 words), contact Howard Altman, City Paper editor in chief, 123 Chestnut St., third floor, Phila., PA 19106 or e-mail altman@citypaper.net.