One Bad Apple

Eden.
An apple a day ... keeps craig away?: Seems like it -- this "fitness model" was one of the first lucky bastards to get banished from Eden.

by Debra Auspitz

boxscore

The reality show gene pool is damaged. My limited high school biology education tells me that we need genetic diversity to thrive. The more diversity you have, the more likely you are to adapt and survive in different environments. The less diversity you have, the more likely you are to have three heads.

The American branch of the reality show family tree starts off quite healthy (though usually heavily in debt to its British counterparts): Grandma Real World was fresh and original, and kooky Uncle Survivor took the genre to new and scary heights. The next generation still had sparks of originality, with cousins like Trading Spaces, Fear Factor and The Bachelor. Successive additions to the tree occasionally showed signs of life, like great-grandkids The Joe Schmo Show and My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance. Along the way were several indications that the incessant inbreeding was dangerous, like Mr. Personality and Who Wants to Marry My Dad? But until recently, the true damage caused by reality TV’s insistence on reinvention wasn’t clear.

That is, until Forever Eden came along. Does anyone else hear "Dueling Banjos"?

This Fox atrocity has every genetic mutation that marred its ancestors. It’s a Frankensteinian amalgam of incongruous parts, the worst of The Real World, Survivor, Temptation Island and countless other shows vomited weekly onto your television screen. To explain the basic premise is to admit that it’s unexplainable, since its creators seem to be making it up as they go along. But in essence, you have about a dozen allegedly attractive people who have agreed to ceremoniously burn their passports and family photos, cut all ties to their former lives and move indefinitely to an undisclosed paradise resort known as Eden. Once they get there, they are informed by possibly animatronic host Ruth England that in Eden there is always temptation, represented by a big plastic green apple and lots of CGI snake action. The apple, England says 4,563 times per episode, can represent good, or it can represent eeeeeevil.

England then presents either the men or women of the group with a challenge, which so far has come down to tests like "pick the least desirable woman" (for the men) or "pick the most desirable man" (for the ladies). Then the "twists" begin. In episode one, the men struggle over their decision to vote Mary, the racist, vacuous but large-breasted contestant, the least desirable. Once they do, the whole group visits the "banishment temple" and reveals to Mary that she is the big loser. England, who never, ever moves her arms, wobbles over to Mary, presumably to kick her sorry ass out. But wait! There’s a twist! Mary has actually earned the right to pick which guy will be banished. She agonizes for a day and then we all return to the banishment temple for her to reveal her choice. She picks Craig, the "fitness model." England lurches over again, presumably to boot Craig. But wait! There’s a twist! Mary has the option to spare Craig! She secretly makes her decision. But wait! There’s a twist! Craig is given a note that says if Mary spared him, they are both spared, but because in Eden you reap what you sow, if Mary banished him they are both going home. Of course, the bitch banished him, so England woodenly sends them both packing. Then, borrowing from Paradise Hotel, new a-holes are brought in to replace the banished ones. Confused yet?

The show’s blatant disregard for logic, coherence or even entertainment value makes me wonder if something more is going on here. As reality shows constantly make fools of their contestants (Joe Millionaire, Schmo, Big Fat …, Boy Meets Boy), their fans have been waiting for the ultimate twist -- the show that’s really a trick on the viewing public. Forever Eden needs to be that show. I mean, a reality show where the winner just lives forever on some island? This has to be a prank. If it is, and "Eden" is a sound stage and the final twist will be that the joke’s on us, then I salute you, Fox. If that wasn’t the intention, if this mess of a show is actually supposed to be real, then, Fox, I say it isn’t too late to save face and pretend you were yanking our chain all along. Otherwise, someone should realize this show has too many impediments to thrive, and put it out of its misery before it can spawn another demented generation.

-- Respond to this article in our Forums -- click to jump there