Mock-U Paper

"Shhh!" shouted the header of an e-mail I received last week from City Paper Music Editor Patrick Rapa, cuing me to keep quiet about the April Fools’ issue you’re holding in your hands. In particular, I learned from reading on, this very section was destined for parody. And that included me.

At first, I wondered if readers would be able tell the difference between an ordinary Slant page and an Onionized one? And why us? Then I thought that the Slant section is one of the best -- an honor that clearly marked us as a perfect target. I also figured this was Howard's doing. Yeah, blame Altman, the chief editor. Rapa and gang would wield the hatchets but, as usual, the hand on the wheel of our little party bus would be Howard's. [Editor's note: Altman wasn't driving the bus this time].

Howard's concept of editorial direction is to upset the right apple carts while managing to spare your own conveyance. Throttle full bore, twisting like a pretzel, tossing tomatoes all the way. Once, he'd even arranged to have actual ripe fruit fly -- when he convinced the natty, late City Councilman Thacher Longstreth to join him for a tomato toss in the courtyard of City Hall. Trust me, Howard will hurl at anyone.

Great. But I still didn't know what, if anything, I would be doing for this issue. So I got to more thinking. I know. Instead of calling it Loose Canon, it could be Loose Bowel. Self-parody. That would be nice -- the infinite regress of meeting myself a la John Malkovich. Fun.

So I e-mailed Rapa, Altman and my column editor Brian Hickey to see what I was writing this week, if anything at all.

Hickey, CP's news editor, called to assure me that my usual column was expected as always -- quickly adding that he had nothing to do with the upcoming putdown. As the paper's resident bulldog, he seemed less than thrilled to be making fun of ourselves.

Listen up, Brian.

Being a fool for a day isn't so bad. Man, woman or media have never been harmed by a little self-mockery. In fact, the best way for papers or people to avoid full-time foolishness is to be less endlessly earnest. I could think of several that would benefit by poking themselves -- intentionally, that is.

So while I was thinking about making myself laugh, Rapa called to tell me that my mock-u column had already been written. He went on to assure me that the jokes on me were relatively mild.

I don't know whether I should be delighted or offended.

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