May 20-26, 2004

the bell curve

City Paper's weekly gauge of Philly's Quality of Life

Smarty Jones wins the Preakness by a record margin. So, what if we're a one-horse town? At least he's the f'n champ. Plus 11.5

South Philly's produce terminal threatens to move to Camden. And Philly's like "go ahead." And the terminal's all, "OK, I'm really going." Then Philly says, "OK, have a good time in Camden." So the terminal's like, "I will." "Fine." "Fine." Minus 3

Philly drops to sixth-largest city in the country. Yeah, Phoenix has more people, but we still weigh more. Minus 1

In light of Nick Berg's beheading in Iraq, Inky contemplates pulling the Sunday funnies because the Doonesbury comic features a head on a platter. The comic will run as planned. "On the upside," says Doonesbury creator Garry Trudeau, "I'm relevant again." Even

City Hall begins probe of Philadelphia's horse-and-carriage businesses after Channel 3 report finds the animals suffering from breathing problems and covered in feces. So basically they're no worse off than the bicyclists stuck behind them in traffic. Minus 2

UPenn paleontologists get national attention for discovering a 50-foot-long creature with a hole in its head. Later they admit it's all an elaborate dick joke. Plus 4

Salmonella is the likely culprit in the deaths of 16 of UPenn's horses. More probably would have died, says authorities, if it weren't for their protective layer of feces. Minus 6

In commencement speech, Bono encourages Penn grads to use American ideals to solve the world's problems. He wakes up three hours later wearing a hood and hogtied to the Edge's naked ass. Plus 1

Total pluses: 16.5

Total minuses: 12

This week's total: 4.5

Last week's total: 9

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