icepack

by A.D. Amorosi

I had a terrible dream: Rather than win the Preakness with jockey Stewart Elliott, Smarty Jones took it with Private Lynndie England at the reign, flashing her freakish Alfred E. Newman grin toward the judges, pointing at their pricks with those thumbs-up gestures of hers. Lynndie is omnipresent in my nightmares: one of KFC's chicks-digging-chicken chic-lets, a Real World-er warding off flying chairs at Manny Brown's, dry-humping her bosses at Philadelphia Soul with that slint of a stare she shares with most serial rapists. I need sleep. But who could sleep with so much reality? While Fox-casters shoulda searched Philly for Seriously, Dude, I'm Gay, sadly only frisky fat-chasers and chicken-hawks are about, auditioning chubsters with 40 pounds of flab (send pics to Philadelphia Casting, 114 Chestnut) and dumb kids (Trading Spaces: Boys vs. Girls at Franklin Mills, May 23). In between, Midori liqueur runs a model search through Clubfuckville for melon-balling fun-sters. Wonder how Lynndie looks in a thong. Ö After partying at NYC's Coral Room with A Perfect Circle for their Lost in the Bermuda Triangle DVD (guests included Oz star Christopher Meloni and Kittie?!), Gyro and its Bikini Bandits flew to Cannes to announce the French-funded BB full-length Save the World. TLA Releasing's Rich Wolff acquired two films: a Serbian romantic comedy, Sjaj U Ocima, and a German thriller, Schussangst. Philly producer Lee Daniels, whose The Woodsman is one of the Directors' Fortnight films at Cannes, directs Shadowboxer when he gets home, with Helen Mirren and Ryan Phillippe. Be ready -- when he isn't a face on a casino chip (at Trump Marina) or a sandwich (The Geator at J. Cabot Café), Jerry Blavat is host with the most for The Kimmel Center's Summer in the City with pal Little Richard and Patti Lupone May 22. Ö Augusta Starr, aka Penny Jr. (grandchild of Philly burlesque legend/Frank Rizzo pal Penny Starr), debuts her Velvet Hammer Burlesque: A Documentary at the Five Spot on May 21 with grandma rumored to be in attendance. Ö While honoring the Tiberino clan (whose Raphael is selling a silkscreen T-shirt line at Barney's) with a citation from the city for its Ellen Tiberino Powell Museum, Union 237 gallery was graced with crews from MTV and Ambush Makeover. Both were asked to leave for being disruptive. "It's a gallery, not a club," laughs U237's Brian Brown, who's in San Juan, readying Union 787. Ö Cellist Monica McIntyre and DJ June Lopez are the musical chairs for Taji Modern Gallery's poetry slam, May 22. Ö The Quarter at Tropicana announced several more Philly-based projects for September (another 32º, another Cuba Libre and Brulee, all from Old City's Larry Cohen and Barry Gutin). Jersey-shore rocker Bob Burger (who composed for Styx) released a new CD, Cymbals at Dawn. One of these things must be stopped. Guess which? Ö When Twist opens, May 22, with its multimillion-dollar overhaul at the Woodbine Inn Complex, it does so with promotions director Noel Zayas, who, by the way, will start "Feel What You Want" weeklies at Suite 450, May 22 with DJ Tronco. "It's a fun house thing," says Tronco. "Everybody's smiling over here. It's weird." On May 20, 611's Nigel Richards opens O-Bar, his first-ever club, underneath Copa West at 40th and Spruce. "It's small, but nice, purty and powered by 611, since it's fully stocked with 611 peeps," says Richards. Look forward to nights with Carl, Willyum and JG to start. Ö Can't tell you where DJ Keith Brand (WXPN's Sleepy Hollow) or bud Buttercup will hold their illegally transmitted noon-to-sunset "Boom-Box Be In," May 22 in support of Low Power Radio. But Brand says bring FM radios and picnic stuff behind the Art Museum "to the more citrus-y of Fairmount Park mansions."Ö After scoring for the

Scottish Dance Theatre

in Dundee and wrapping guitar tracks for

Jaki Leibezeit

(of Can), Tim Motzer gigs with Fractal Ark (Mark Boyce, Jolah, Barry Meehan) May 26 at Silk City. Ö WHOWHATWHERE: Who would you rather say you saw? Californian porn princess/gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey (who'll be at Al's Diamond Cabaret in Reading, May 20-22 ) or Kelly Ripa, who attended Rittenhouse Row's Spring Fest with her hubby? The Wizard World Convention (May 21-23, Convention Center) hosts Alfred Molina. Avoid discussing Spider-Man 2. Tell him you loved him in Coffee and Cigarettes and Prick Up Your Ears. Ö Is May 21's Raccoon show at North Star (with The Teeth and National Eye) their last? Maybe, says bassist Andrew Jones, pointing to side projects among the band's members (Buried Beds, Dr. Dog, etc). Talk them out of it. Ö Marsha Ambrosius and Natalie Stewart -- Floetry -- serenade b-day lady and "Philly Unplugged" co-founder Lyn Brown May 26 at Warmdaddy's with Teddy Riley and Jazz (from Dru Hill) in the house. On May 21, DJ Imri throws a b-day party for hosts DJ Ghost and Lisa LateNite and a farewell bash for DJ Next and wife Kristen (moving to South Carolina) at Fluid. Hi. Bye.

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