June 10-16, 2004

the bell curve

City Paper's weekly gauge of Philly's Quality of Life

Smarty Jones comes up short in his bid for the Triple Crown. Fuckin' choker. Minus 10

Small piles of flour found around city incite minor terrorism scare, but were only markers left by a club that jogs and drinks around town. If you ran and drank, it would make sense to you, too. Even

Police commissioner isn't doing enough to cut back on reckless driving near schools, says Daily News. "What are you talking about?" he says. "I'm only doing 40." Minus 4

The cicadas never showed up in Philly. Fuckin' chokers. Minus 2

Nine intersections in Philly will be equipped with cameras to catch drivers who run red lights. Remaining intersections will be equipped with cameras to catch drivers singing along with their radios for a hilarious new reality series. Plus 5

According to the Inky, only about half of Philly's summer-school locations have air conditioning. But since only half of students will show up, this could work out. Minus 5

In visit to Philly, Don King announces his support for George Bush. As if we needed further evidence that the fix is in. Minus 1

Friend of woman who forgot her passport calls in a bomb threat to the airport so she wouldn't miss her flight. But he drew the line at blowing himself up at the terminal so she could browse the duty free. Minus 9

At zoo fundraiser, orangutans will hold up Smarty Jones banners. Later, they'll raise "We knew he'd blow it" signs entirely on their own. Minus 1

Total pluses: 5

Total minuses: 32

This week's total: -27

Last week's total: -20