July 8-14, 2004

slant

Stern Advice

Tips for the shock jock on harnessing his political power.

by Eric Schmeltzer

When I was a kid, I remember sneaking down to the den of my house late at night on the weekends so I could tune into Secaucus, N.J.'s WWOR on cable to watch Howard Stern. He used to have this crackpot hypnotist, Dr. Marshall King, come on and put a trance on some strippers so that whenever they put on a pair of "magic glasses" they would see Howard naked, and his, ahem, "manhood" would be the biggest they ever saw. While Howard still complains about the diminutive size of what's in his pants, you don't need Dr. Marshall King to put the heebie-jeebies on you to see Stern is sitting on one of the most potent political forces in this country — his listening base. He just has to learn how to use it.

Stern wants President Bush out because of the increasing zeal of his administration — and the Federal Communications Commission — for going after "indecency," which would put the shock jock out of business. The voters in his listening base — which pollster Mark Penn recently estimated was as large as the Hispanic vote in 2000 — will largely do what he wants them to do, as evidenced by the gargantuan sales of his books. But other than knowing Stern wants them to vote for Democrat John Kerry, they have no direction.

His overall audience of 8 million, working together, have the potential to create an earthquake in our politics, beyond the presidential election. Consider that Howard Dean was once able to raise $5 million in 10 days for himself and $50,000 in about a day for a congressional candidate. He was also able to blanket the states of Iowa and New Hampshire with handwritten postcards from his backers. All this just by utilizing a list of less than 650,000 people, many of them not even reliable supporters.

Here, then, is a four-point plan for Howard Stern to sweep out his enemies, and forever be left alone by politicians:

The first thing Stern needs to do is make everyone sign up at his Web site, so that he has a dependable e-mail database of supporters. The viral nature of e-mails has an incredible ability to both create buzz and motivate people to act.

Second, he needs to choose a test case. If the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee would wake up, they might have someone challenge the Republicans' Sen. Sam Brownback of Kansas, who is leading the congressional charge against Stern. Stern should coax his list into giving a small donation to whichever Democrat runs against Brownback. Even if 25 percent of his list gave $1, Brownback would be facing a challenger with an instant $2 million in his or her pocket. Stern would then make it clear that anyone who votes to pass legislation strengthening the FCC would face the same fate. That "decency" legislation would be deader than Bababooey in a beauty contest, and it would never return.

Next, Stern should set up a political "527" — a group that can run issue ads against the White House and Republicans using a mix of small contributions and large soft-money donations. Besides getting large donations from many of his friends in entertainment (adult and otherwise), he could easily raise millions on the Internet. With the use of creative, edgy advertising, Stern has the same ability to get new voters into the process as did Jesse Ventura, and new voters will be key in beating Bush.

And, finally, because he is a New Yorker, what better way to welcome the Republican National Convention than with a giant Howard Stern concert/pay-per-view/anti-Bush-a-thon exactly on the night President Bush accepts his nomination? Given the choice between watching Bush give a canned speech or watching Howard lather up strippers, which program do you think the swing-voter NASCAR dads will watch? In fact, which event do you think will get more media coverage?

Howard might always need Dr. Marshall King to help him get women to think he's well-endowed. But played right, Howard can be the biggest man this election cycle all on his own.

Eric Schmeltzer is a political media consultant and recently worked on Vermont Gov. Howard Dean's presidential campaign. If you would like to respond to this Slant or have one of your own (800 words), contact Brian Hickey, City Paper managing editor, 123 Chestnut St., third floor, Phila., PA 19106 or e-mail altman@citypaper.net.