July 29-August 4, 2004

naked city

hallmonitor

CLARKE

Boo Hoo Economics

by Trish Boppert

If, as California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger so infamously posited earlier this month, lawmakers who delay a budget's passage are indeed "girlie men," then Philly's City Hall is crawling with tutu-fluffing, dickey-flaunting, quiche-eating, opera-humming, cross-stitching, nut-loaf baking, origami-folding, Bambi-bawling wussies of both the male and female variety:

Arnold Would Have Called Him "Miss Nancy." In May, City Councilman Darrell "Baby D" Clarke proposes a Tax Reform Implementation Commission to report on revenues lost if the tax reforms are passed. His response when asked if it would delay progress on the proposed tax-reform package? "You hit the nail on the head." And then he flounced into his office.

SAIDEL

Hail the Simpering Sallys. Led by Jannie "Wuvvie Bubbles" Blackwell, a phalanx of mewling council members immediately stepped up for Clarke. Rick "Li'l Rickets" Mariano, Juan "Johnnycakes" Ramos, Jack "Jackie O" Kelly, Joan "Doodlebug" Krajewski, Donna "Muffy" Miller, Blondell "Precious" Reynolds Brown, Brian "Brain" O'Neill and Blackwell co-sponsor the wussifed legislation before bitch-slapping each other silly.

The Anti-Wuss. City Controller Jonathan "High Pitch" Saidel, proposes a take-no-prisoners, Rambo-esque solution. "They should all be dragged down a hallway, put in a room, the doors should be locked, and nobody should be allowed outside until we see white smoke come out of the chimney." Dag, them's fighting words! (But a pumped-up brawny man would have sicced a pit bull on their asses.)

The Glowering Wimp Meister. Street makes city history in May with the first-ever mayoral veto of an entire city budget. Way to go, Madam Pantaloon!

DICICCO

She Man. City Councilman Frank "Fifi" DiCicco vows to do his best for his financially fraught city by giving up his city-issued 2002 Ford Taurus. Says he'd rather drive his own Jeep. Maybe a scooter. Can you say "Woman Dude"? Because everybody knows a real man would skateboard buck naked down Broad Street with naught between the air and his privates but a recyclable tin can.