Bad Idea Factory

Stern Warning

by A.D. Amorosi

When it was announced that Sirius, the paid-subscription satellite radio organization, was taking crude FM morning man Howard Stern away from Infinity Broadcasting (and local affiliates like Philadelphia's WYSP-FM) starting in January 2006, question marks popped aplenty. While off-the-record radio insiders couldn't imagine a regular ol' radio future for Stern due to his costing broadcast bosses over $2 million in settlements with the Federal Communications Commission, the big question remains: What do you get to replace a guy making fart jokes, small talk with strippers and insulting comments about physical and mental disabilities that won't cost $12.95 a month -- Stern and Sirius' asking price for the pleasure of hearing him?

The Bad Idea Factory's "How to Fill the Stern" Hole Wish List:

1. The Damon Feldman Radio Hour:We know he's awake because he's constantly bickering with morning show hosts at WMMR. We know he's already on the stairway to Sterndom with his club night's fights featuring Howard grotesques Beetlejuice and John the Stutterer. The local boxing promoter who loves to provoke could be a natural.

2. CSOB-GYN: Find a gynecologist -- there's a thousand of them in the Philly Yellow Pages -- with a good speaking voice and have him detail the female anatomy daily. It never seemed to get old on Stern.

3. Jacky Bam Bam Presents: The WYSP rocker is halfway there, spinning his '80s House of Hair Ball at Cheerleaders strip club. Give him a pound of bologna and start tossing.

4. Fumo-Thon: After calling a batch of his fellow senators (OK, they were Republicans) "faggots" on the Pennsylvania Senate floor in Harrisburg, Democratic Sen. Vincent J. Fumo can speak daily on the coming and goings of any minority he chooses to denigrate. Maybe a theme -- like "Pussy Wednesday" -- would work.

5. Mystery Bulge: In honor of the rumor that President Dubya was geared with a receiver-transmitter during his first presidential debate, this show could be where we send gadget-happy Mayor Street once he's done being wired elsewhere.

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