October 21-27, 2004

music

icepack

by A.D. Amorosi

You know the saying "Don’t shoot the messenger"? Well, fuck that and start blasting. Or let ’em shoot themselves in the ass since, suddenly, that’s where pundits seem focused: the chocolate center, ze butthole. From CNN’s Tucker Carlson calling Jon Stewart a throne sniffer on Crossfire, to the puppet-punditry-buggery of the South Park boys’ just-opened Team America, the, uh, tail end of last week was anal-lacious. Still, no one got to the bottom faster and harder than Toni Bentley and Bill O'Reilly. In the case of Bentley -- a Balanchine-taught ballerina-turned-authoress -- her new work hones in on the fervor of butt-luv like no one since Sir Mix-A-Lot. Packed with bad poetry and flowery analogies, Bentley’s The Surrender is not only the rectal romance of the season, but one whose film I bet will be a whole lot better than the book. (If it sells, look for "shit-lit" to hit the fan.) Then there’s O’Reilly, the jury for whom is still out on whether he sexually harassed Andrea Mackris, his associate producer on Fox News’ O’Reilly Factor, while allegedly stuffing items up his fat ass. Sure, every moment talking with O’Reilly must seem like harassment, but I simply refuse to picture the stiff Irishman getting all D'Angelo on the love chat with a vibrator up his ass. Me, all I need to do to start talking dirty is add up my checks and feel up my Margiela suit. For those who want to hear O’Reilly’s rectum-packed voice in person, Bill’ll be lecturing at the State Theater in New Brunswick, N.J., Oct. 22 (1-877-STATE 11 for those who wish to opine). Ah. Never has the word "asshole" been so appropriate, speaking of which, Howard Eskin’s back on the air. … More shoot-the-messenger: Last week, Michael Smerconish interviewed Kevin Williamson, the crazy-eyed, clean-shaven ex-managing editor of Main Line Times on the 1210-AM about Williamson’s project -- publishing a new paper, The Evening Bulletin. Before you say 23 skidoo, the paper (no connection to Philly’s erstwhile The Bulletin) -- like Williamson himself and publisher Tom Rice -- promises to be a con-ser-vative alternative to the mainstream. … Talking clean shaves: The Italian Market’s fave clipper, Machele Alessandrine, hasn’t closed Le Bomb Chele. She’s just chilling for a few week’s va-cay until after the election. … Want Halloween early? Dig spooky Black Tape for a Blue Girl starring Philly’s throaty Gothic melodicist Nicki Jaine at Grape Street, Oct. 24; later that evening run to Five Spot for Peek-A-Boo Revue’s Peekabooer Horror Show with zombie ventriloquist Mr. Dead Guy; then hit Bar Noir’s Monday Night Club, Oct. 25, for Shock Therapy/Playground fave Dennis Dreyer’s rope suspension performance featuring his Erotic Workbench line of products (www.eroticworkbench.com), audience interaction and Needles Jones reading Poe. … WHOWHATWHERE: When Wyclef Jean wasn’t busy reuniting the Fugees, he rallied with striking casino workers in A.C. Never too busy to shop, director Lee Daniels was spied buying dishwear at Manor Home & Gift during a break from editing Shadowboxer. When Barenaked Ladies’ Kevin Hearn played at Grape Street, not only did his Thin Buckle headline, he was his own opener with cousin/comic Harland Williams (Dumb & Dumber) as part of The Cousins. Bill "Trumbo" Irwin was seen sniffing around the Merriam Theater. Either he was there for Whoopi Goldberg tix, or, if he was smart, to return some. … Foodie TV: The Food Network lends airtime to Philly’s Shari Stern for a "Love Bites -- Cooking With Aphrodisiacs" segment of What’s Hot, What’s Cool to air Oct. 21, the same day she’s at Whole Foods Market, 20th and Callowhill. … Just like Prince: All attendees of funky, large Townhall’s World Café Live show, Oct. 21, will get a copy of the band’s new studio CD, American Dreams, mixed by Brian Malouf, the guy who mixed the Top Gun soundtrack. …

Gravy Thomas and Scion are looking for hip-hop DJs for their "Free Up Your Mix" contest. Give ’em 30 minutes of your best (no digital sampling) postmarked by Oct. 31. Check www.scion.com/mix for details. …

After asking whether I’d be willing to celeb-fight, boxing promoter Damon Feldman found some guy named Bob and a Q102 morning guy, Chio, to do his dirty work at Deco, Nov. 6. Feldman also got women to nag around Tony Luke’s the other day to find "the Toughest Woman in Philadelphia" for his reported reality show Philly’s Next Great Diva. That bitch I’ll fight! … Working birthdays: DJ Dev79 celebrates his b-day and that of his Seclusiasis radio show, Oct. 21, with Accidently Andrew and Cyhl at La Tazza. Along with celebrating his wedding anniversary (to partner Sally Mattison) and his b-day, legal eagle Bernie Resnick wrote a chapter of the textbook The Management of Sport: Foundation and Application with Lloyd Zane Remick, Esq. as well as handled papers on client Timbaland (whose new songs litter the new Ludacris and J. Lo CDs) as well as Philly producer Melvin "RuggedNess" Carter who just delivered a song, "Have Mercy," for the upcoming Beanie Sigel CD.