New Movie Shorts

NATIONAL TREASURE

"In order to protect the Declaration of Independence, we have to steal it," says maverick historian Ben Gates (Nicolas Cage), providing a trailer-friendly plot summary and proving himself a man of the times. If 51 percent of people who can be bothered to vote buy the argument that the only way to protect our freedom abroad is to trample it at home, then maybe they'll buy the notion that the hundred-dollar bill contains a crucial clue to the location of a Masonic treasure trove. National Treasure ought to be merely laughable: Director Jon Turteltaub hits the ground flat-footed, Cage stumbles over his pseudo-erudite witticisms, and Justin Bartha, last seen as Ben Affleck's mentally retarded ward in Gigli, adds another notch to his shame belt as Cage's non sequitur-spouting sidekick. But there's something deeply offensive about a movie that implies the only way to get Americans to value the country's founding document is to stick a treasure map on the flip side, not to mention one whose America is functionally whites-only. On the plus side, the filmmakers do seem to know which way the Reading Terminal Market is from Independence Mall, if not how long it takes to run the distance. But they can only yell "Fifth and Chestnut!" so many times. --Sam Adams (AMC Orleans; Bryn Mawr; Cinemagic; UA 69th St.; UA Cheltenham; UA Grant; UA Main St.; UA Riverview)

THE SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS MOVIE

In his pineapple under the sea, Nickelodeon's remarkably resilient SpongeBob SquarePants (voiced by Tom Kenny) dreams he's been promoted to manager down at the Krusty Krab. When he wakes, alas, he's been overlooked, because Mr. Krab thinks he's not yet a man (if kids could do it, says the boss, the position would be called "kid-ager"). But when Plankton (Doug Lawrence) undertakes Plan Z to take over Bikini Bottom, SpongeBob and buddy Patrick Starfish (Bill Fagerbakke) are the only souls courageous (or foolhardy) enough to journey forth in search of King Neptune's (Jeffrey Tambor) missing crown. On the road, they encounter an Eastwoodian hit man (Alec Baldwin), perky Mindy the mermaid (Scarlett Johansson) and a Diver Dannish menace, only to be rescued at last by David Hasselhoff, in person. Some jokes are quite clever (see the opening sequence, as pirates rush to see the movie you're watching), some pointed (most every scene manages a critique of consumer culture), some clearly inspired by creator Stephen Hillenburg's love of Laurel and Hardy. All fly by with the spastic energy that has sustained the show for over five years. --Cindy Fuchs (AMC Orleans; Bridge; UA 69th St.; UA Cheltenham; UA Grant; UA Main St.; UA Riverview)

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