December 9-16, 2004

cover story

Hey, Seuss

Illustration By: Mike Nawyn

How to get down like the Grinch.

by Margaret Battistelli

Apologies to Theodore Geisel.

If you think Dr. Seuss
Is just for the young,
Well, think again, silly,
And get ready for fun.

A Grinch Christmas party
Is the very best kind.
Your house is a mess
And no one will mind.

Just say it's a Who house
That's been ransacked and pillaged
By the ugly old Grinch
Who lives outside your village.

From Dollar Land buy
Cheap trimmings galore
And rip them and smash them
And scatter your floor.

Your tree can be branches
Tied together with string.
Damn that old Grinch –
He spared nary a thing!

Broken balls hanging,
Picked from the litter.
Lights that won't light,
And a star with no glitter.

Don't bother untangling
The bulbs and the balls.
Hell, you were lucky
He left them at all.

No need to give presents;
They'll all understand.
They were snatched and destroyed
By his grinchy green hand.

Frayed ribbons will do,
And pieces of wrapping
Left in a pile
While you were napping.

But all is not lost
There's always the food.
Make it happy and funky
To set the right mood.

Roast beast is a must.
Maybe a pig from Ninth Street?
Served in the whole
For a sensory treat.

Hurry up now.
Your guests must be starving.
The grinchiest one
Gets to help with the carving.

Jell-O molds, too,
Are quirky and quick.
Serve them in layers
Propped up with breadsticks.
The Whos like their fun,
And it shows on their plates.
So pair up odd things
Like pudding and grapes.

Anything bright
Plopped in a bowl
Will bring Christmas joy
To the nastiest soul.

For fun, please dress grinchy
In an old Santa suit.
Put on a scowl
And green skin to boot.

And your little dog, too,
Will be quite a hit
If you tie sticks to his head
And treat him like shit. Sit down with your guests
And for boredom to parry,
Make it a marathon
With Karloff and Carrey.

Have everyone sing
The infamous song
With Busta Rhymes playing
To help it along.

On a serious note,
Ask all your friends
"What's the meaning of Christmas?"
And here's how it ends:

Hold hands in a circle
To help spread the cheer
And sing "Welcome Christmas"
Which you can find here: