December 16-22, 2004

naked city

how they'll lose

Week 14 vs. Dallas

by Brian Howard

(Season record: 1-12)

Anyone feeling anything resembling confidence in this team after last week's sleepwalk in D.C. needs to lay off the Jaeger. 'Skins QB Patrick Ramsey, with his boneheaded interception in the fourth (with his team down three and in field goal-range), handed that "victory"—tied a fancy fucking bow on it—to the Birds. We got lucky. But don't expect that good fortune to hold. Sure, regular How They'll Lose-r Brian Hickey spent last week on a Caribbean cruise, but balmy 75-degree weather and cool ocean breezes haven't given our resident naysayer a sunny outlook on this week's matchup with Big D.

"This one's all about the number 13," says Hickey, scouring Key West's Duval Street for not-quite-empties at 9:30 Monday morning. "Getting on the cruise [Sunday], our check-in number was 13, and I thought it was good luck until I got to the casino after dinner. Playing blackjack, I got a pair of sevens and I split 'em. At this point the [football] game was 7-7. I got another 7 and split 'em … . I ended up with four hands and figured the Eagles had to just put up another 7. I lost three of those four hands and lost $50 in the course of five minutes."

OK, we're not really sure what that means—honestly it was a real Fear and Loathing moment—but Hickey assures us the point is this: "13 is not good luck." Not that we're hinging this prediction on a case of triskaidekaphobia. "Dallas is still fighting for a playoff spot at 5-8 and we just barely beat a 4-9 team," says Hickey. "Plus, we're not gonna beat two legendary coaches in a row."

And, concludes Hickey just before stumbling off the curb into a bar called Sloppy Joe's, "Dallas deactivated [running back] Eddie George last week, so he'll probably be pissed off. I figure he'll come in and run." And considering the beating our defensive front four took against the 'Skins, that spells disaster to the tune of:

Dallas 13, Eagles 10

Voice (Mail) of the Fans

"Yeah, I'm calling for all Eagles fans. You must be retarded, with this thing you put out every week. You say they won't go 12-1, I think you should've given up by now. You're wrong. Your record's 1-11, c'mon now. You can't deal with the fact the Eagles have a good team and they're going to the Super Bowl, pal! Have a good day." Dec. 9, 11:55 a.m.

"What, are you busy or something? Those Eagles, they're gonna win it all! Every week, you say they're going to lose. I think you're doing it on purpose so they win. This week, they're going to kick their ass. KICK THEIR ASS!" Dec. 9, 11:56 a.m.

Brian Hickey responds:

"Each week, let's predict precisely how the Eagles are going to lose their upcoming game. By convincing ourselves they have no chance to win the Super Bowl, maybe we'll turn some Philly fate on its ear and unwittingly will them to victory." City Paper, Sept. 9