December 23-29, 2004

slant

Give It To Me, Baby

wtf

by Duane Swierczynski

Just in case you're looking for any last-minute gifts for the staff at your favorite alternative newsweekly, I've wandered the halls at 123 Chestnut and gathered these humble suggestions

"All the stars of reality shows to endure one hour of pain per week, just like they make me endure." --Maggie Monari, classifieds senior account manager.

"Bea Arthur to be my grandma for a day. We could wake up and have coffee and cigarettes for breakfast, be sarcastic and crotchety all day, then finish it off with a show tunes medley!" --Casie Wexler, classifieds account manager

"To see the sick bastard who killed Pete Kent behind bars for life. A subway that runs to Fairmount. Motivation to write the screenplay for Diff'rent Strokes: Arnold's Revenge. More cowbell. Osama bin Laden's head." --Brian Hickey, managing editor

"Seven cases of wine, 6 kegs of beer, 5 massages, 4 bottles of vodka, 3 French maids, 2 lovely ladies and the Partridge family dangling in the pear tree." --Hector Santos, account manager

"A pinball machine ("Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines' would be cool) for my office. This is a particularly noisy game, with things like emergency "code reds,' so I could act real busy and way too distracted to deal with things like bonus requests, legal bills and expense authorizations. With the bonus feature, of course, that even if you lose, you get to see the "govern-ator' go down. --Paul Curci, publisher

"A Segway and a lifetime supply of Girl Scout Thin Mints." --Lori Hill, arts and entertainment editor

"A Sushi replica USB memory key. Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events Magic 8-Ball … "full of unfortunate answers' and apparently out of stock at most merchants. And for one of my neighbors to get a wireless router." --Brian Howard, special projects editor

"I would like another Patriots Super Bowl win, Pedro to get shelled in Queens and Guinness on tap in my house." --Sean Hamel, classifieds account manager

"I want Tom Waits to start touring again and SEPTA to take "no weekend service,' wrap it in sandpaper and shove it up its ass." --Mike Newall, staff writer

"A moratorium on the phrase "deeply divided.' And shelving. Lots of shelving." --Sam Adams, movies editor

"For Santa to show up and give free gifts to everyone. I'm kinda sick of covering for him." --Reseca Glaser, senior designer

And me? Why, you don't have to get me anything. What could I possibly need, working with a staff like this?