February 17-23, 2005

naked city

Love the Ones You're With

A Family Affair: Poly Living 2005 organizer George Marvil (left) with his wife, Cat; their third, Liam; and Cat and Liam's daughter, Rowan.

Talking polyamory with the organizer of the Poly Living 2005 conference.

by A.D. Amorosi

Polyamory is easy to make sport of. To the uninformed, polyliving is "swinging" — key parties in The Ice Storm, ménage a trios in Penthouse Forums, lecherous guys hanging around 10th and South streets looking for Club Kama Sutra. People imagine it's nothing more than free-form fucking.

Yet, if polyamory were just about sex, George Marvil's life would be easier.

"Wow, definitely easier. If being married and maintaining one relationship is a job, managing two is about five times the work," says Marvil, 47, the organizer of this weekend's Poly Living 2005 conference at the Wyndham Franklin Plaza. Sure, his confab promises a Cuddle Party and workshops on "outrageous intimacy," boundaries and poly parenting, but for the first-year conference's 125 to 150 expected attendees, Marvil positions polyamory as a love-style allowing relationship development beyond one partner.

"If your goal is sex, it isn't worth it," he says. "The best definition of polyamory I've heard is, "With swinging you get sex; with polyamory you get breakfast.'"

Polyamorists believe that it is possible to be in a relationship with more than one person at a time, often, but not exclusively, under one roof. If you self-identify as poly, maintain more than one relationship at a time, and maintain those relationships with honesty and integrity, you're polyamorous. It's not cheating unless you're lying.

According to Robyn Trask, editor of Loving More magazine (the polyamorist's bible), there are 13,000 people in her national database who somehow identify themselves as poly. Their legion includes clinical psychologists, book editors and publishers.

Marvil guesses there are more than that.

"A relationship is less about sexual partners and more about friendship," says Marvil. "I don't believe that there should be benchmarks for what a relationship is. Some relationships may be more sexual than others, some may not involve sex at all."

A marketing expert for medical firm Interactive Communications in New Jersey, Marvil has been ensconced in the poly lifestyle since 1998. After having been involved in national and regional pagan, Wiccan and sacred sexuality events, his wife of 11 years, Cat, now 37, met a polyamorous couple at a Free Spirit Gathering event in Maryland. At the festival, Cat fell for David, that poly couple's male half. She was immediately honest with George and asked if she could see David beyond that weekend.

"My original reaction was "Huh?'" says Marvil. Then the shock wore off. "If Cat was willing to ask for something like this, then it must mean an awful lot for her. So I said yes, having no clue what the road ahead would be like. I'm just old enough to remember the communes, tribes and intentional families of the '60s and '70s."

Liam, 25, is currently their "third," a man the couple met at a friend's wedding and with whom George and Cat share a home. Cat and Liam have a child, a 1-year-old daughter, Rowan. While this "vee" formation (not a "triad," as George and Liam aren't lovers) lives in one Lambertville, N.J., house, Marvil's girlfriend, Eileen, lives nearby.

To Marvil, polyamory is about love at its most expansive — being devoted to more than one person at a time. The relationships and their accoutrements are the same as any other: dinner, movies, laundry. "Our relationships are very normal," says Marvil.

Jealousy, a hot topic among polys, is normal too. It is a quickly addressed subject in the Marvil household, though George insists there's more envy than anything else. "It's not that I'm bothered that she is out at the movies with Liam," he explains. "It's that I can't be there and I really wanted to see that movie."

While several Web sites and chat forums provide a daily haven for polyamorists, the community is actively served by events like poly camping trips across the country and monthly potlucks and bowling trips arranged through www.polymatchmaker.com. Anyone curious about polyamory can, of course, check on the Internet. "The great thing is that everyone on the lists has been new at one point, so we understand the confusion and fear," says Marvil. Pesky, horny Net geeks are monitored out of the system by stringent controls. This level of protection allows polyamorists to safely connect — not in a group groping way, but rather an extended family of romantics.

"The birth of our daughter was a high point," says Marvil, creating a portrait of intimacy within the vee. "Though Liam was the biological father, I felt like she was my child as well. That event really underscored the fact that the family unit we have is working and that polyamory can be a wonderful, workable choice to traditional monogamy."

Poly Living 2005 will be held Fri.-Sun., Feb. 18-20 at the Wyndham Franklin Plaza, 17th and Race sts., 215-448-2000. Visit www.polyliving.com for registration and information.