Hey, Asshole!

They're ready for your close-up.

by Joey Sweeney

There was a time when TV shows — and most certainly, TV stars themselves — lived and died by their Q ratings. Q ratings, in case you don't know, are not unlike Nielsen ratings in that they measure the TV-watching habits of the rest of us out in Consumerland, the difference being that, where Nielsens collect info on what you watch, the Q ratings are a little more telling in that they reveal how much audiences like what they watch.

I bring it up because most days, the very idea of liking whomever it is that you're watching seems like an antiquated and even quaint notion.

Because all in all, there's never been a better time to be an asshole on TV.

There have been assholes on TV since forever, of course, but it's a relatively new phenomenon to have shows and stars that are essentially built around an inverse Q rating: otherwise known as Asshole TV, the seemingly all-encompassing broadcasting trend which we are in the throes of right now.

But Asshole TV isn't merely built on dislikability; the asshole still obviously has to be compelling, especially in that tried-and-true, love-to-hate-'em manner, but the assholes of today are not ordinary assholes: They're erudite and smart enough to trip the wires of anti-intellectualism, they're smug as hell and in many cases, they're of English descent so as to also fan the flames culturally. (The idea being that Johnny Yokel of Yokelville, Ohio, could be flipping through the channels and, upon discovering Simon Cowell, think to himself: "Look at this tool; he talks like the baby on Family Guy! This, I gotta see!")

You could essentially track American Idol's Cowell as patient zero in the Asshole TV death march. Sure, there were assholes before Cowell, but does anyone remember them? Cowell, through his tenure at American Idol, has been the cultural tremor that has set off an Asshole Avalanche. In his wake, we have House, which is a TV show about an asshole doctor (whose name is House); The Shield, a show about asshole cops; and most recently, Hell's Kitchen, a reality show about an asshole chef. (If you watch FoodTV lately, however, with its endless supply of Emerils, Bobbys and Tylers, you might be wondering if there is any other kind.) And for the love of God, let us not forget The Apprentice.

There are plenty more exemplars of Asshole TV to mention, but for the moment, it's Hell's Kitchen that takes the cake. Hell's Kitchen stars one Gordon Ramsay, an English chef of tremendous distinction, and a giant asshole to boot. On Hell's Kitchen, a crew of mostly hapless foodie wannabes compete for a grand prize — their very own frou-frou restaurant.

The action occurs very much like on America's Next Top Model; after a series of challenges that the contestants may or may not recognize as such, one contestant is eliminated each week. (One contestant, for instance, got canned because Ramsay thought he was "too fat and he'd always be dropping things.") In the end, whoever has manipulated, kissed ass, suffered from the Stockholm Syndrome and whatever else and is still standing goes on to a life as one of this country's thousands upon thousands of soon-to-be failed restaurateurs.

What distinguishes Hell's Kitchen, however, are two things. One is the level of Ramsay's barbs: He's openly abusive to one and all. And not even Don Rickles-abusive. If this bastard could hit you with a board and a rusty nail, he would; he's a sociopath, or at least that's how he's being paid to play it. Much of the show's action turns on how much the contestants can take what he is so cartoonishly dishing out. The second is the fact that this is essentially a show built around an asshole, and that is something new. Say what you will about The Donald and The Apprentice, Trump isn't really so much of an asshole as he is a vain, ridiculous tool, and that's different. What Hell's Kitchen offers instead puts reality TV contestants, those sad bastards, right where they oughta be: About five years shy of actually being thrown to the lions. So far, it looks like they're gonna be some goooooood eatin'.

Hell's Kitchen airs on Fox-29 Monday nights at 9 p.m.

TV/Tivo Tips!
June 16-29

Britney and Kevin: Chaotic
Thu., June 16, 10 p.m., MTV
No matter what I said about this show, you still would not believe the depths of human suffering depicted within and inflicted simply by watching. If you have ever wanted to see what God sees when he sees us, all you have to do is simply tune in.

Six Feet Under
Mon., June 20, 9 p.m., HBO
The final season of everyone's favorite mega-bummer rages on. This week: Brenda relapses and screws the cast of The Comeback!

Blow Out
Tue. June 21, 9 p.m., Bravo
On tonight's episode, the salon team watches on in horror when it is revealed that not only is their boss Jonathan illiterate, but he is also Henry Rollins.

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