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Maybe I'm damp beyond humidity. I'm confused — confounded by how it is this lousy city can't get decent representation on television. The surely soon-to-cancel Seinfeld-with-mooks It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia on FX isn't it. Forget the dire Cold Case (see, you already did). Philly hasn't seemed as wack as we are since Ernie Kovacs. We want funny. Taking the premise of "four guys in a bar" and turning it into a remedial reading class version of Albert Innaurato's Gemini isn't funny. It's an insult to remedial reading. Know what else confuses me? Math. How many times would I have to insult someone I don't know for them to get physical? "Not once but twice," calculates Philly Mag's Rich Rys, so upset by my tweak last week he told the Daily News. Not for me. The last time I got physical with a fellow scribe was when CP's Bruce Schimmel and I yanked each other's chest hairs. Wasn't good for either of us. (Rys also mentioned I was in Hack, tying my TV thing together nicely, while reminiscing on my role as David Morse's sidekick, Sancho.) … The king of the acoustic open mic, Joey Mahoney, brings his happily skuzzy charges — Rev. T Bagg, Danny O, Adam Monaco — to TLA for his songspot.org's Songspot Fest Aug. 12. … While Penn Jillette gets Aristocratic attention, partner Teller (Philly-born Raymond) gets his due as J Nathan Bazzel — filmmaker/Philly's premier Thomas Jefferson interpreter(!) — wrapped The Speed Limit is 55, You Know, a documentary on Teller that features interviews granted by the comic's late parents. Bazzel also took part in the dedication (and accompanying Rembrandt's event) of the Gretchen Worden Room in the Mütter Museum. Bazzel produced the multimedia portions of the memorial service for Worden, the museum's director, who died Aug. 2, 2004. … To celebrate one year of gayness, Miss Jim McGreevey announced he's doing a "deeply honest and revealing" book for Regan Books. Imagined chapter headings: "The Homosexual Israeli Poet in Historical Context" and "Slippery When Wet: My First Meeting with Bon Jovi." … Wanna model? It's written all over your protruding ribs. Phashion Phest seeks 10 fresh faces who can stand without eating for 22 hours for September's show. Sharon Phillips Waxman wants your beauty and balance at King of Prussia Mall Aug. 13, www.phashionphest.com and www.spwproductions.com for details. … By day, David Commander is captain at the swiftly packing Mambo Movers. By night, he's producing, directing and starring in the Fringe-bound live, multimedia, dark, DARK comedy PIGGY!, which he'll preview at Bar Noir Aug. 15 with manic multipersonae-d singer Super Ed in tow. … Got money? Neiman Marcus just joined swanky designer Zac Posen and mega-denim company 7 for All Mankind for a specialty (skinny, expensive) limited design that not only will wind up at Neiman's Short Hills, N.J., and King of Prussia locations in October, but may feature a personal Zac attack during the store's "The Hip Event" Oct. 7 and 8. This slender jean is not to be confused with the thick-gal Seven7's denim which got its KoP debut at the down-market Lane Bryant (you know, the other side of the mall, the scary side). Chubby chasers got their fill as American Idol loss-leader Kimberley Locke made an appearance. … WHOWHATWHERE: No one knows what Charles Barkley and lawyer Chuck Peruto Jr. thought when they ran into the Vox vodka/Philth mag shoot at Denim, greeted as they were by cigar magnate Lars Tetens, Bawdy Girls and a Skeletor-dressed Carmen Martella III (who brings his crooning skills to the Monte Carlo Living Room Aug. 12 for a Nick Cave covers project). Nor how much they had to drink to forget. Wanna meet a Backstreet Boy on Saturday? After their Tweeter show? No? Well, go to Glam anyway and look for Howie. He'll be there. Though they had received a visit from the Counting Crows the night previous (maybe it was suspended sickened disbelief?), the official opening of Atlantic City's House of Blues's ultra VIP Foundation Room drew rival promoter Adam Spivak, NBC 10's Doug Kammerer, NARAS's Mark Schultz, ex-Eagle Cecil Martin and 32º's Barry Gutin to Donna Coghlan's event. Pompeii got a pre-New Jersey Tomato Festival visit from professional eater Ed "Cookie" Jarvis, the 450-pound third-place finisher at Wing Bowl '05. No word whether Pompeii has yet fully restocked its kitchen. … B-Days: I never knew how many fellow Leos had I: painter Tim Bowen, promotrix Holly Drauglis, Ms. Honey (whose RUBA party is still a blur); Sal Sex Dwarf, DJs Dozia and Lee Jones. Tony Sparacino's men's store on 13th celebrates seven years with a Mansion ball Aug. 19 — and Genre mag will be shooting it. 32º's managerial honchesses Priscilla and Stephanie (they come as a package) get two cowboy-themed parties, one in Philly Aug. 11 and one in A.C. Aug. 13; and DJ Dave Pianka who'll surely suck down … hmm … Sparks for his b-day as part of Transit's Making Time starring Los Angeles' Giant Drag — the poppiest, spookiest My Bloody Valentine I know.