In a classic Happy Days episode, the Fonz spends the whole show trying to apologize, but the word "sorry" just won't come out. His attempts to say it ("Ssssss...," then "Sssssorrrr...") fall flat, as his lips refuse to form the word.

Modern politicians and celebrities have the same verbal affliction. This was demonstrated clearly during the last election as President Bush's notorious inability to apologize gave John Kerry more than a little leverage, and Kerry's unwillingness to apologize for past actions demeaning veterans surely served as a catalyst for those Swiftboat ads.

Dan Rather could've covered a multitude of sins by apologizing about the obviously faked documents relating to Bush's military service. Instead, the next evening's broadcast was designed to challenge the people who dared question indignant Dan — and irreparable damage was done to his reputation while he dragged his feet.

Worse than refusing to admit wrongdoing, however, is the "quasi-apology," which is really not an apology at all, but a sophisticated way to make the speaker look sympathetic. Martha Stewart, for example, said she was sorry some of her employees lost their jobs because of her unfair prosecution. In other words, she was sorry for the situation, but not anything she did to cause the situation.

In addition to the outright refusal and the quasi-apology is the "spin-apology." Former New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey exemplified this best in his "candid" public apology to his wife and children over his homosexual affair and subsequent resignation from office. The "apology" wasn't the story, just the spin. The news should've been about McGreevey paying his lover $100,000 per year of taxpayer money for a job he wasn't qualified to perform — but his apology provided an angle no journalist could refuse: Politics and gay sex! Like Stewart comparing herself to Nelson Mandela, McGreevey's "I am a gay American" declaration made his corruption sound downright noble. This month, it also landed him a book deal with HarperCollins. Whether he'll donate his royalty checks to the taxpayers of New Jersey was not mentioned in the press release.

Worse still is the "sorry-you-overreacted" apology. When radio host Michael Savage was fired from his talk show for making what MSNBC called "inappropriate" comments to a homosexual caller, he did offer an apology: "I certainly did not intend for this to happen and apologize for any such reaction." Considering the fact that his "inappropriate" comments included telling a gay caller he wished he would "get AIDS and die," this is a less than satisfying plea for forgiveness.

Recently, we found out that Lt. Gov. Catherine Baker Knoll has the same approach to apologies as Savage. When she recently showed up uninvited to a fallen Marine's funeral, she offended grief-stricken family members by handing out her business cards and telling them "our government" is against the war. The story made the Internet rounds faster than a Paris Hilton home video, causing Knoll to issue an apology that went out under the heading, "For Immediate Release." It said, "Sgt. Goodrich's service was beyond the call of duty. If my regard for his family's grief was seen another way, it is thoroughly regrettable. The fact that you have been offended deserves and receives my most profound apology." In other words, the travesty of this deplorable incident was that the family reacted inappropriately.

In 1970, Love Story was the top earning movie of the year. Its erroneous tag line, "Love means never having to say you're sorry," is still unfortunately a part of modern cultural vernacular. It suggests people who are in love will either never misstep or are entitled to forgiveness, even if the request for it isn't made. Though most of us don't know celebrities and elected officials, we do have a relationship with them, as strangely disconnected and tenuous as it may be. They ask for our votes, our magazine subscriptions, our purchases at Kmart and our time during the six o'clock news. In exchange, it's not unreasonable to ask for a little honesty.

Nancy French remains unapologetic. If you would like to respond to this Slant or submit one of your own (750 words), contact Duane Swierczynski, City Paper, 123 Chestnut St., Third Floor, Phila., PA 19106 or e-mail Duane Swierczynski.