Ah, Labor Day. That annual celebration of the overworked, underpaid and grossly mistreated is just around the corner. It's a three-day reminder of all things wrong with America, namely that grown adults voluntarily spend national holidays wearing balloon animals on their heads and firing fake rifles in Philadelphia dog parks. We refuse to stand witness to this hideous injustice any longer. Now, presenting the layman's alternatives to four so-mainstream-your-mother-might-be-there Labor Day happenings.

What Everyone Does: Watch the Tri-State Labor Day Parade and loaf around the AFL-CIO Family Fest at Penn's Landing. Why Everyone Does It: It's a parade. And a festival. Like, with magicians and clowns and zoos on wheels. It's just what Americans do when they get a day off work. Why It'll Suck: Unless you're 7 years old and/or pining for an airburshed T-shirt , there is little of entertainment value here. Live tunes from Jimmy & The Parrots come close, but Bubbles the Clown tips the suckiness scale in unfathomable ways. What You Should Do Instead: Check out the 16th annual Neighborhood-to-Neighborhood Street Festival in West Philly. There's a drill team competition, parade, performances by funk band Bill Jolly's Hard Drive and photo ops with the 76ers mascot. Why You Won't Regret It: Every year, Sen. Anthony H. Williams thinks up an ingenious way to lead the parade. He's done it on horseback, by motorcycle and from the seat of a hydraulically souped Cadillac. What next? (Sat., Sept. 3, noon, free, Baltimore Ave. between 49th and 52nd sts., 215-492-2980)

What Everyone Does: Check out the Phillies vs. Astros game at Citizens Bank Park. Why Everyone Does It: Because there's nothing more fun than warming a bleacher with 43,499 Schmitter-eating drunks, wondering aloud where that corndog vendor disappeared to. Why It'll Suck: It's baseball. What You Should Do Instead: Take the rugrats to Comic Con, Philadelphia's longest-running comic book convention, which draws dealers of gold- and silver-age comic books, Manga, action figures and non-sport cards. This year's guests include writer Scott Beatty and artists Jamal Igle and Jamar Nicholas. Why You Won't Regret It: Because superheroes don't need steroids. (Sun., Sept. 4, 10 a.m.-4 p.m., $3, 76 Industrial Highway, Essington, 856-782-0817)

What Everyone Does: Attend the 133rd Cannstatter Volksfest in Cannstatter Park. Why Everyone Does It: Brats, schnitzel, spaetzle and other words that force you to spit when you say them. On second thought, maybe that's just the Heisser Zwiebelkuchen talking. Why It'll Suck: White-haired guys in lederhosen and short shorts knocking back Volvo-sized steins do not an Oktoberfest make. What You Should Do Instead: Get expert advice from fashion consultants when TLC's What Not To Wear tour hits King of Prussia Mall. Stand before a 360-degree mirror and learn why that high-tops/church dress combo isn't cutting it in 2005. Why You Won't Regret It: Stacy and Clinton won't be in the house, but you could win a chance to fly your unsightly wardrobe to New York for a fashion makeover on national TV. (Fri.-Sun., Sept. 2-4, free, Nordstrom Court at King of Prussia Mall, 160 N. Gulph Rd., King of Prussia, 610-265-5727)

What Everyone Does: Brush up on their Nordic know-all at the 21st Annual Scandinavian Fest in Edison, N.J. Why Everyone Does It: Lingonberries, Swedish meatballs and Viking souvenirs, oh my! Why It'll Suck: There's something about Aryan children wearing funny hats and embroidered aprons that's very Village of the Damned. What You Should Do Instead: Freak out at the Northeast's largest convocation of carnies. The 4th annual Sideshow Gathering features glass eaters, fire breathers, human pincushions, two-headed animals, freak show memorabilia and vaudeville performances. Why You Won't Regret It: The Sword Swallowers' Association International will attempt to break its own world record for the greatest number of swords swallowed at one time. (Fri.-Sun., Sept. 2-4, $12-$25, Ramada Inn, 20 Public Sq., Wilkes-Barre, www.thesideshowgathering.com)