When you watch TV these days, it's hard not to feel as if femininity is at some kind of impasse, and the prognosis looks, well, less than good. More than ever before, the parade of TV faces suggests that women on the idiot box have been split into two completely polarized camps: On one hand, there's the Paris Hilton model (simple, hot, "wild," objectified); and then there are the Daughters of Oprah (completely desexualized, still relishing the culture of victimhood, seemingly excitable only by free cars and other missing women).

If it seems like these are essentially two different genders at this point, well, duh, genius, they are. And while the case has been made ad nauseam about the perils of eye candy, it might also be worth pointing out the inherent dangerousness of the ladies I like to call The New Harpies.

I know this sounds perverted, but I simply can't take my eyes off of them. Together, MSNBC's Rita Cosby and CNN's Nancy Grace — the two prime examples — have replaced everything else that used to utterly infuriate me about television and the people on it. At the same time, though, they've driven the point home even more that, culturally, we are at an utterly evil moment.

Rita and Nancy both host cable news programs. It's easy to suspect that in both cases, both women are the direct result of focus groups. Let's look at the facts: Both of 'em are positively mumsy. Made up, but not in any way — seriously, Rita — sexy. "Strong," but dear God, not dykey. And harpies to the bone: While the rest of the country reels from the shitstorm of flood and fade and fatwah, these two still have the gall to lead regularly with Aruba and other assorted non-news. (Although, to be fair, their comeuppance is often swift: When N'Awlins broke, Cosby was actually in Aruba, and every time they cut to her for comment, just the fact of where she was and what she was doing made everything that came out of her mouth sound like a very loud, very painful fart.)

So, you ask, there's some broads on the TV set who have replaced the old crows on the stoop down the street who monitor your every move: Why all the ire? Well, a few reasons.

For one, both shows (Grace is on CNN Headline News, for chrissakes) are defiantly news-lite, and yet still in prime time. They're taking valuable time slots on their respective networks and filling it up with subtle conservo-babble and some of the worst business attire Talbot's has to offer.

For two, both are mother hens that really have no place outside of Fox — Cosby's pre-MSNBC gig, actually — where this seems to be the only kind of women they hire: Self-hating feminists who love their careers but deny all tenderness/humanity/femininity unless it plays well on some kind of victim story. You go, girl!

All of this had been bubbling under my consciousness for the last few months; I'd stare at the TV, literally curled up in heebie-jeebies when Rita or Nancy would be onscreen but car-wrecking it all the way. A few times, I had to be literally forced to change the channel. And then it hit me last week. Harriet Miers was nominated for the Supreme Court, and the tide of stories about "Bush's Women" started washing ashore, each essentially designed to say, "See? This guy isn't so bad! He… he… he gives women chances! Sometimes, he even lets them do his dirty work!"

All along, it's been my fierce position that you can't really be a self-respecting American woman (hey, or man, for that matter) and not be counting the days until Bush leaves office. It doesn't take much to connect the dots and say that The New Harpies are in a similar boat, replacing the phrase "Bush leaves office" with "Mainstream news gets its head out of its ass."

Tomato, tomahto, I guess.

Oct. 13-27

Thu., Oct.13, 10 p.m., MTV

This season, Diddy is bringing out his inner Phil Spector; no, silly, he's not waving a gun around at John Lennon and being weird — he's making a girl group! For the modern age! But first, there's gonna be a lot of Proactiv going around. Oh snap!

Sat., Oct. 15, 1 p.m., Discovery Channel

British and American eggheads develop technologies to protect white people from a Very Pressing Immediate and More Important Than Other Currently Fucked Up Shit Threat!

Sun., Oct. 16, 9 p.m., CN8

C'mon, CN8, it's like you're not even trying. Pick up the pace! People do watch your network, you know.

Tue., Oct., 18, 8 p.m., BET

Damon Dash, pissed that he never had his own version of Making The Band (see above), shakes some folks down and rectifies that shit.