icepack

Gentlemen. Don't you wish your dick was your business? Ladies. You too. Your fing? Since 2000, A.D.'s teased mightily about Club Kama Sutra: the nightly flab-o-lanches, the bad mustaches that have been ridden—all in the name of unthinkably unwatchable sex. But damn if I won't fight for your right to partyfuck in private. So. Though their South Street location's closed until further legal notice, you, the non-group-showering, orgy-congregating, pussy-chair sitting, stirrup-clinging layman must support CKS when it celebrates year five Dec. 3, at Diamonz (1913 W. Broad) in Bethlehem, a club where no sex can take place. See what you bastards did!?! You drove perfectly happy-go-lucky group-fuckers to a sexless town. To a club whose name ends in a "z." Are you proud of yourselves? … Speaking of milking cows, MilkBoy Recording studio is expanding, it is. Its producer-owner Tommy Joyner (a member of We the People, whose Bruce Reinfeld is currently showing photos at Halcyon Gallery in Port Richmond. Go, but don't die) spent autumn readying MilkBoy Coffee (2 E. Lancaster, Ardmore), a desserts/tapas/java joint that'll seat 100 and offer "open reel" nights for local, original and classic films, Xbox tournaments, open mic nights, live music, gallery stuff and spoken word. Great. It opens in two weeks. But it's in Ardmore. Fire yer jetcopters. … The word that Pontiac won't be steeped in live music past December? "After New Year's Eve, Pontiac'll be pulling the plug on music again after 35 years of history," says Heyday/Songspot.org's Joe Mahoney of a decision by owner Daryl Madden to perhaps turn Pontiac into a lounge/pool hall. "I think he's concentrating too on his steak shop, SOS—because South Street needs another steak shop." … Temple's radio-television-film major pays: TU grad Eric Moyer's from-Colmar-to-Souderton masterwork, A Halfway House Christmas, starring Robert Romanus (Fast Times at Ridgemont High), Bloodhound Gang-er Evil Jared, Viva La Bam's Rake Yohn and members of American Nightmare and Prank Monkeys, gets a proper screening Dec. 3 at Souderton Broad Theatre (24 W. Broad in, um, Souderton) and an after-party at Finn McCool's in Hatfield. If you hear the Deliverance theme—RUN. … Better catch The Notekillers at The Khyber Dec. 2. Why? "I'm afraid we're just the best fucking band on the planet," says David First, who'll not only debut his 12-string Rickenbacker on a scad of new songs: This'll be their last gig for a bit while they record their first-ever true CD in their secret lair. … Yank it: Cherry Hill barber-ess Lauren Harris is FHM's Miss 2005. Yay, for downmarket babes everywhere. See the 21-year-old in the January issue (out Dec. 6). … Don't mean to burst no bubbles but didn't y'all know that when House of Blues (rumored in Icepack for a Grasso-owned space in Dec. 2004) got that thar space at le Grande Grasso they'd pull out of the Troc? No? REALLY? Did you know the Troc used to be a burlesque palace? Fun facts all around. … Lauren Hart—singer/songwriter, coffee widow, hockey matron, NBC 10! host with whom I do a show weekly—is outta there come Dec. 9. She's leaving to sing. A lot. Which she missed, getting up early, doing a daily morning show. More next week. … Patti LaBelle and Jill Scott are dueting on a James Poyser-produced take on "What About Love?" from Oprah Winfrey's The Color Purple musical that opens on Broadway tonight. More Oprah—my heart died a little just then. … When Mark "Boss Hog no more" Boyce ain't bouncing 'tween countries with King Britt's Sister Gertrude Morgan project, his Krass Bros. will play Philly—Dec. 5 at Bar Noir, Dec. 7 at Tritone. … Casting: mooch or mook? Mike Lemon is looking for single professionals. Not to date. To get in on the 6[2]8 Social Network's TV dinner party pilot. Go. Get filmed with your mouth full, pig. Send photo/info to www.628socialnetwork.com or snail it to 4109 Goshen Rd., Newtown Square, PA 19073 by Dec. 2. And Heery Casting wants "interesting character faces" (translation "dago-y mugs") for Rocky to show up Dec. 3 at their 230 N. Second St. office. If you're ugly enough, Stallone'll hold you over for Rambo. … When you weren't looking, two of spooky-ole Revival's original managers John Manhardt (bassist for Trained Attack Dogs) and Joanne Aretz (nee DeMatteo) got organic and opened Almanac Grocery last week. It's a green grocer joint at Fourth and Poplar that gets artisanal on your ass with reams of handmade, local cheeses. Live it. … What the hell is "Todd's Butcher Cafe"? That's Todd Bergman. The guy from Sabrina's on Christian Street now has full ownership of its across-the-way white-tablecloth eatery, the Butcher, where you'll find Jeff Met Thies of Too Damn Hype Recordings slicing 'n' dicing. … More bang for your wang? Not only will my second fav-o-rite wang—Wang Newton—do her/his Puddin Pop at Walnut Room with Carmen "Skeletor" Martella III Dec. 13, but she/he joins The Danny Ozark Show at Abilene Dec. 7 for a first-ever standup routine. … You like the rock 'n' roll? Me neither. Still, check Scott Segelbaum's traveling "Classic Rock Art Show" that landed at Liberty Place last Friday: lots of badly-dressed Bruce snaps, photos from legends local (Scott Weiner) to international (Baron Wolman). Lighters up.