TV's got you by the balls from now until March. You might as well go in educated.

Ah, wintertime. Spiritual home of depression, land of bowel-loosening post-holiday debt, we salute you! This year, the idiot box is promising big things for that second season, and TV Party! has been wading through the murky waters of the new winter schedules as new shows and old air with the new confidence that comes from knowing that the entire country has emotionally bottomed out for the winter and is relying on TV for escape just like they used to, before all that icky Internet and going out and doing things. Here's what we got for you.

Casting calls I wish I'd been in on, Vol. MCMXII:

"Hey, Vanessa Willams? This is your agent."

"Hi agent!"

"Hey! Well, I think I've got a new show for you. It's got a little bit of a Melrose Place vibe, except it takes place in South Beach."

"Well, you know how I love South Beach, baby. All of us stars have been trained to say we do!"

"Don't I know it, honey. Anyway, it looks like you're gonna be one of the marquee names on this piece of flaming poo."

"I smell dollars!"

"You bet. One thing, though: You're playing a grown man's mother."

[Long pause.] "I'll I'll I'll take it."

UPN, Wednesdays, 8 p.m.

Rollergirl Heather Graham started out so promising: In the beginning, there wasn't a drug she wouldn't take and boob she wouldn't reveal. The big problem, though, was that P.T. Anderson was only ever gonna make one Boogie Nights, no matter how much we all wished someone had the temerity to turn it into an HBO show or something. The result? Emily's Reasons Why Not, in which Graham pulls the whole Cybill-Shepherd-deigns-to-grace-the-small-screen-with-her-incandescent-presence move. It's premature, it's messed up and even if you can avoid watching it, you're still gonna have to deal with posters for it plastered all over SEPTA. Sigh.

ABC, next episode is Mon., Jan. 23, 9 p.m.

I love him so much, but he beats me! No, silly, I wasn't talking about my hairy drunk husband, I was talking about David Chase, who's pretty much inspired battered-wife syndrome in just about everyone who once loved The Sopranos, which finally returns in March. This year, plot action is rumored to revolve around Johnny Sack getting thrown into the hoosegow, creating bold new spaces for both business initiatives and general bloody mayhem. Oh, and they're doing this really dope thing this year with Little Steven's hair that I like to call "Greaser Gumby."

HBO, starts March 12. Check listings for details.

It seems like The OC is a little young to start serving up tried-and-true plot devices like crippled friends and long-lost badass sisters. But apparently, it's not. Starting tonight—last week's ep was a big tease—Willa Holland stars as Kaitlin Cooper, Mischa Barton's crazy boarding-school little sis, who's come back to town to raise hell and get Ryan to try crystal meth or something. Luckily, she's hot.

Fox, Thursdays, 9 p.m.

Finally, Lorelei is getting married, and man, they are milking it like a soap opera wedding, throwing all manner of flies into the ointment as the wedding approaches: long-lost children, drama with Rory, who knows, maybe even Rory's dad will re-enter the fray since they're about to tap him for some dough now that Rory's renounced the party life and is ready to go back to school. After typing these last few sentences, I am now convinced my fate as a dime store CoJo cannot be too far off. Perhaps, even, this is it.

The WB, Tuesdays, 8 p.m.

Somehow, we missed the premier season of this Ashton Kutcher-produced romp through that most inane pairing of the sexes: The gum-popping cheerleader and the pleated-slacks-wearing nerd. Oh, but look! They have so much to teach each other! Deep down, they are both truly detestable.

The WB, Thursdays, 9 p.m.

Oh, Aidan Quinn! We loved you in Desperately Seeking Susan, and we love you now, as a suburban preist who jams with Jesus on a regular basis, live and in person, just like insane folks do. Except with Aidan, Jesus is real, dawgs. He's also a family man, though, and with Dez still on the brain (his hipster-doofus character in DSS, sorry, I'm fixated, I know) that seems oddly a little less believable than Aidan rappin' with God's son about the new Kanye record. But that's my problem, not yours. Watch The Book of Daniel. It's the best show about Aidan Quinn hanging out with Jesus you'll see this season.

NBC, Fridays, 10 p.m.