Valentine's Day is no romantic picnic—just ask anyone who's single and/or vehemently opposed to Hallmarkian holidays. Love hurts, but the annual cave-in to chalky hearts and candlelit dinner crapfests needn't be a dreaded affair. We've taken the liberty to round up a handful of couple- and single-friendly V-Day events that'll leave both your wallet and dignity intact.

So, what's your Achilles' heel?

Say you've got a major sweet tooth that only a one-night-stand sugar rush will satisfy. Commitment-phobic taste buds will salivate over the sweet, queer selection of bad-for-you-boys at this pre-V ball. DJs Guido Osario, Will, Maria V and Mark Diaz will set the mood while you treat yourself to the tasty assortment of hot, muscled strippers, massage boys and sexy bartenders. You won't crave another babe until the post-holiday chocolate sale. Candy Pre-Valentine's Day Ball, Fri., Feb. 10, 9 p.m., Shampoo, Seventh and Willow sts., 215-922-7500, www.shampooonline.com.

Like your lovers "thik"? Take a shot at your big, beautiful cherub of choice with Thik and Luscious' bow-and-arrow matchup game, designed for both couples and singles. Let your full-figured flame seduce you during the chocolate-covered-banana eating contest, then claim a king-size bed if you're feeling extra randy. The Bow & Arrow, Sat., Feb. 4, 10 p.m., $10-$20, North American Motor Inn, 4444 City Ave., 215-878-3100, www.thikandluscious.com.

Baked goods go-go best with homemade burlesque. Dig into a piece of the pie with scrumptious recipes and dance routines from the Hellcat Girls, DJ Amy Undergirl and the Blessed Muthas. We'll trade Cupid for iced-up cupcakes and sequined pasties any day. Sweet Tart, Tue., Feb. 14, 9 p.m., $7, Silk City, Fifth and Spring Garden sts., 215-922-8157, www.hellcatgirls.com.

Buttons: You love pushing 'em. Especially when they're attached to battery-operated self-gratification devices. Test-drive all the latest sex gadgets at the Shamrock's tantalizing toy demo and win prizes during Kinky Quizzo. It's like Christmas and Independence Day all rolled into one! Valentine's Day Sex Toy Demo, Wed., Feb. 8, 9 p.m., free, The Shamrock, 3517 Cottman Ave., 215-338-3557.

You're a fiend for badasses with fishnet burn. Watch the wheels go round as the Black Death battle the Scarlet Fever in a gory girl-on-girl roller-derby bout sure to top any fight scene at the cineplex. Don't forget to keep a body count. St. Valentine's Day Massacre, Sun., Feb. 12, 6:30 p.m., $10-$20, Millennium Skate World, 1900 Carman St., Camden, N.J., 856-757-9460, www.phillyrollergirls.com.

Even when Boyfriend was out banging other girls, Fido was there. And now, the loyal pup will be your wing-dog at this cocktail mixer for canines and canine lovers. Lap up the drinks and doggie bags while unleashing your charm on that hottie single with the cocker spaniel. If you find yourself without a mutt, fake it with one of the event's adoptable dogs from the SPCA. You may just find yourself with a lifelong companion. Puppy Love Valentine Cocktail, Mon., Feb. 13, 7:30 p.m., Devil's Alley, 19th and Chestnut sts., 215-751-0707, www.devilsalleybarandgrill.com.