In the State of the Union address last week, George Bush called for a ban on "human-animal hybrids." Forget for a second your fears about real-life werebears and dodo-sapiens, not to mention the implicit complications should Fox ever revive its grossly underappreciated Man Vs. Beast franchise. We predict a grim and ghastly future for our fair city should such mad science be allowed to run amok.

1. The Succuhohns (Andrew Hohns + a leech: the sucking power of a black hole)

2. Chameleoates (John Oates + a chameleon: and you think it's hard to find him now)

Beware the Chameleoates!

3. Eskupine (Howard Eskin + a porcupine: more pricks than you can shake a stick at)

4. Beluga A. Smith (Stephen A. Smith + a Beluga whale: like the dude needs another blowhole)

5. The Plummeting Corey (Corey Kemp + a lemming: a political animal that'll take the fall for anything)