Managing a Trois

In ticking off all the boys I've defrocked and defiled since last Valentine's Day, I'm struck by an epiphany: Our relationships would've been so much simpler—and more sexually gratifying—had they only invited their girlfriends to join us.

No sooner did I draw this conclusion than I met Bill, the founder of an upscale lifestyle club in the tri-state area. Bill agrees: Swingers graze on greener pastures. "We don't divorce. We don't argue. We don't lie and we don't cheat. We do what we do with our partner's blessing."

Interested to learn more in the wake of Kama Sutra's recent de-balling, I registered for SwingLifestyle.com and started asking questions. Like any social engagement, it turns out there are rules:

Rule No. 1: Talk it out.

Communication is the cornerstone of all open relationships. "It's gotta be a 50/50 decision," says Bill, adding that there's nothing worse than seeing someone coerced into swapping. If your love is shaky, attending a sex club with hot, naked people won't help. Swinging should be used to enhance secure relationships, not save dying ones.

Rule No. 2: Leave the neighbors alone.

Bears don't shit where they eat, people. Off-limits: The med students across the hall, your in-laws' best friends, the boss's wife and anyone else you'd be mortified to see at Wawa the day after. The key to swinging is meeting like-minded couples and individuals—way outside your pre-existing social circles. Find them online, through Loving More magazine and at paid social clubs, but be wary of sex workers and single men placing fake ads.

Rule No. 3: Get to know before you bone.

"You don't walk up to somebody's wife and say, 'Wow, your tits are beautiful,' even if you think it," says Bill, adding that newbies sometimes mistake his club for orgiastic fuckfests. And while it's acceptable to talk about sexual fantasies, it's important to show interest in a couple's work and hobbies, too. Jenkintown couple D. and R. always put friendship first. Last weekend, they hosted a party for Showtime's Castillo vs. Reyes fight. "Everyone that comes doesn't know what's going on, but after those folks leave, a few may stay to play."

Rule No. 4: Drama queens need not apply.

Relationships have enough headaches without your desperate ass adding to them. There can be no comparing of penis sizes or flubbery body parts, no deep readings into flirtatious glances and absolutely no falling in love.

Rule No. 5: It's OK to say, "Oh, hell no.'

Some clubs rely on a screening process to weed out undesirables; Bill prefers natural selection. Even so, there are polite ways to tell an ugly couple "not if you were the last people on earth." A simple "We don't play with people we don't know" or "We're very selective" will do.

Rule No. 6: Stand your ground. No, really.

If you're not attracted to the pockmarked dude with the Eagles tattoos, it doesn't matter how hot hubby finds his watermelon-breasted wife. They're out.

Which brings us back to Bill's original point: Swinging isn't about the sex. "It's about me and my wife. It's about enhancing our relationship."

See that, girlfriends of past flings? I was thinking of you the whole time.

Questions? Comments? Clown fetish? E-mail ashlea.halpern@citypaper.net. No phone calls.