First published on TheSmokingGun.com, Frey's Contract of Wifely Expectations set forth an egregious set of rules for the missus to follow, including blowjob quotas, a shaving schedule and tips on subservience (no arguing, complaining, crying, sobbing, whining, pouting, sighing, moaning, sulking, etc.). Acting the role of the good little wifey earned points toward GBDs (aka Good Behavior Days); harsh demerits were given for bad behavior.

The punishment? "You will be tied to the bed and I will do whatever I wish too [sic] you. This will continue … until you are ready to be compliance [sic], at which time you will need to apologize and explain how you are ready to be my sex slave again."

The man is a friggin' visionary.

Frey knew exactly what he wanted and, by God, he wasn't afraid to put it in writing and demand that it be signed. Inspired by his crackpot contract, I decided to draft an equivalent, targeted at the parade of fools passing facelessly through my boudoir. Without further ado:

• Under no circumstances are you permitted to shave, wax, tweeze, Nair or otherwise depilate any body part below the neck. Unless you're on the Olympic swim team, that means no Fabio-shiny pecs or bumpy red crotch spots. Exceptions will be made for hairy shafts only if you desire said shaft to be fellated at some point during our 15-minute relationship.
• Upon crawling into bed, you must submit to a sniff test. If your scrotum smells like moldy bread, as scrotums often do, you will be forced to delouse yourself using bar soap and fancy-scented shampoo.
• You respect when the Red Death candy claw is raking my innards and do not try to initiate sex during menstruation. Pop in a Freaks & Geeks DVD and check back in five days.
• If you can't get it up/keep it up, you'd better have a good reason why—old softie makes me feel ugly. Drunk dick/drug dick gets one get-out-of-jail-free card.
• Five or six positions will do it. We're not rewriting the Kama Sutra here.
• Do not use the word "pussy" in my presence unless you plan on giving me one for Christmas. Call breasts by their proper name. None of this boobies, knockers, gazongas business. Tits may be used if complimenting their greatness.
• Never ask me if I came directly after you come. Of course I didn't. Thanks for playing, try again.
• I don't take kindly to last-second rejections. If you're gonna fuck around on your girlfriend/boyfriend/fiance, leave the guilt at home. You've come this far, you might as well enjoy yourself.
• If you insist on staying the night, please high-tail it out at dawn. Even if I like you, I'll be filled with postcoital regret, shame and repulsion. Don't make this worse by leaving sweet morning-after notes on my fridge or asking for my phone number. If you honest-to-God like me, take me on a real date the following week and don't try to fuck me.
• It's OK to kiss and tell. I do.