I'm talking about the body of Christers behind the upcoming BattleCry for a Generation rally.

Fresh off revivals in Dallas, Detroit and San Francisco, the party is landing at the Wachovia Spectrum this weekend with 15,000 Jesus-worshipping teens in tow.

The point? To protest peddlers of pop culture smut ("virtue terrorists")—namely MTV, Grand Theft Auto, Starbucks, Hollywood and other heretics that purportedly teach teens how to destroy their lives with sex, violence and triple venti vanilla lattes. A page from the BattleCry Teenage Bill of Rights reads: "Enough sex, enough violence, enough porn, enough lies about what will make us happy! Enough robbing of our future."

Scary, huh?

An offshoot of Teen Mania Ministries, one of the world's largest youth groups, BattleCry uses militaristic terminology to describe its initiatives: enlist, equip, mobilize, recruit, advance, defeat.

"These are young people coming to take a stand for the generation," says founder Ron Luce, adding that the message in Christian circles for the last 40 years has been far too passive: "Whisper a little prayer, say 'God bless you' when someone sneezes, and you'll go to heaven. The Bible says train for war … We have to invade the world with the love of Jesus Christ."

The battle plan: Deploy troops of young Jesus warriors to systematically pillage the minds of their peers before they're all knocked up, strung out and condemned to an eternity spit roasting in hell.

And you gotta hand it to the Christians—they sure know how to throw a party. The two-day, $55 event furthers its absolutist view by using pyrotechnics, interactive media (including a Web site Luce calls "MySpace with God in the middle"), and entertainment by godforsaken emo bands. In essence, it's using the very media it condemns to market an identity based on strict brand loyalty (aka Christ, Inc.).

They're even trotting out "sexpert" Lakita Garth, a 36-year-old former Miss Black California who recently lost her virginity to her new husband. Garth will be touting the benefits of abstinence (um, more time to masturbate?) and unleashing old scare tactics (Gonorrhea or God, your choice).

"We're not there to tear down people's lifestyle," says 18-year-old Amanda Hughey, BattleCry's one-time party girl turned spokes-drone. "We're standing up against pop culture. We don't want to drink, we don't want to do drugs and we don't want to sleep around. We are an army rising up."

Shouldn't she be worrying about what to wear to prom or where to go to college? Or am I just another heathen being duped by the System?

I say the whole rebel yell thing smacks of a Goliath-bigger problem: As conservatives push for universal golly-gosh-gee-whiz blinders, more and more teens fall victim to a repressive sexual culture that believes if we be reeeeal quiet, maybe it'll all just go away.

Well, I don't buy it. Harlots, hustlers and hos: The enemy is upon us. We are under attack. In honor of all that is good and holy and orgasmic, we've got to fight back.

This is war.

Questions? Comments? Want me to repent? E-mail ashlea.halpern@citypaper.net. No phone calls.