After 138 years, Strawbridge's closes its doors. Fuckin' chokers. Minus 10

The Philadelphia Zoo unveils its $20 million Big Cat Falls exhibit. The next project: Rebuilding the Little Monkey Burns display. Plus 3

David Boonin, the Philadelphia Parking Authority consultant who helped choose which company would install the GPS system in city cabs, has taken a job with that company. Then he slithers away like a slimy, disgusting slug and everybody slips on all the slime and he's all, "Did I do that?" the fuckin' slimy bastard. Minus 7

Pa. lawmakers are looking to regulate paintball with insurance and safety measures. They can have our paintball guns—when they pry them from our cold red hands. Minus 1

Survey conducted by environmental group finds that 85 percent of Philadelphians would vote for a mayoral candidate who wants to clean our air and water. Also found that 95 percent would vote for a candidate who wanted to "do good things and be super duper friendly." Plus 1

Hundreds gather for anti-slot machine parlor protests in South Philly. Where were they when Wal-Mart opened? Plus 4

Nicetown woman arrested after trying to rip off her husband's testicles. You should see what they do to you in Meanyunk. Minus 2

Parking Authority plans to raise its fines from $20 to $25 for parking at an expired meter, since it's currently cheaper to park illegally than in a lot. "Of course," says PPA head Vince Fenerty, "since we control the lots, what we're really saying is: Go fucking fuck yourself Philadelphia." Minus 5

Inquirer and Daily News sold to local group. Armed to the jowls, Tom Ferrick locks himself in tower, vows they'll never take him alive. Plus 3

Total pluses: 11

Last week's total: Even