Geno's Steaks hangs signs demanding its customers make their orders in English. Shit, can someone translate "one Wiz wit" into English for us? Minus 6

Pearl Jam donates $1 from each ticket sold for its Philly shows to local charities. "Of course," yarls Eddie Vedder, "Ticketmaster gets 20 percent of that. Sorry." Plus 3

Harrisburg considers banning public officials from owning even 1 percent of slot parlors. Then, Harrisburg laughs so hard that it drops its monocle into its highball, nearly staining its ascot beyond repair. Dreadful! Plus 1

Companies vying for slot machine licenses are fixing up lots, baseball fields and such in their possible future neighborhoods. "We're just shooting our 'before' pictures," say casinos. "We find it's more satisfying to crush dreams after they've been partially realized." Plus 2

Beanie Sigel shot, drives self to hospital. "I'm really disappointed," says assailant. "I thought he was Chubb Rock." Minus 2

Trash catches fire in City Hall stairwell. "Thank God none of these Port Richmond residents were killed," says Mayor. Minus 1

KYW 1060 AM sports director Phil Neuman issues "Neuman Manifesto," ripping into his boss before resigning. It was aired two, three, four times that day before somebody realized it wasn't a traffic and transit report. Plus 2

Teri Hatcher tells American Way magazine that Philadelphia is her favorite place to visit. That's funny, we always thought the shark would look much scarier when we finally jumped it. Minus 1

Total pluses: 8

Last week's total: -14