Former umpire Eric Gregg of West Philly dies. Minus 10

Democratic write-in candidate Emilio Vazquez, who lost his bid for state rep by 19 votes, demands a recount. "Look, there were 19 votes," says election commission, "and you didn't get any of them." Even

Inky reports that Francisville, just north of Fairmount, is booming in terms of population and property value. A single tear wells up in Port Fishington's eye. Even

City Council committee unanimously approves Comcast's takeover of all cable in the city. Comcast promptly builds hotels on Marvin Gardens and Ventnor. Minus 8

Lynn Swann offers donors a chance to win a day on the campaign trail with him. Second prize? Two days on the campaign trail with Lynn Swann. Even

NJ Transit proposes a fast, cheap Philly-to-Newark train line. Ha ha, go kill yourself R7. Plus 2

Police Commissioner Sylvester Johnson says he will assign "the most highly decorated, highly motivated, dedicated and aggressive police officers" to trouble areas in the middle of the night. And thus the Goody-Goody Cannon-Fodder Squad was formed. Plus 3

Authorities are investigating police officers who bought tickets to typically sold-out flights, let the airlines "bump" them, then received free round-trip tickets and a refund. "You guys are so highly motivated, dedicated and aggressive, I don't know what to do with you," says Johnson. "Promote you and send you to Mantua I guess." Plus 1

Two men stop to pick up an injured chihuahua from the middle of the Ben Franklin Bridge, where it was holding up traffic. They are soon made slaves of the chihuahua, forced to do his evil bidding. Plus 6

Total pluses: 12

Last week's total: -14