1. If you haven't seen Stuart Netsky's Flicker Paintings yet then it's possible you haven't gone on vacation. The one-time CP coverboy has remade famous works of art as billboards, blankets and shiny, freaky paintings. They're hanging up in Philadelphia Airport's Terminal C; isn't it time you planned a trip? Philadelphia International Airport, Terminal C., www.phl.org. (PR)

2. Ever peg people's political leanings based solely on their haircuts? Play Abstract Guess Who. Game play involves the board from the children's game, but instead of narrowing the field using hair-color queries, ask about personalities; e.g., "Does your character constantly correct grammar?" Use a line judge to verify your answer to whether or not "Alfred" still wears his Rush T-shirt. And yes, he does. (NN)

3. Conspiracy theories about Jews range from the blatantly racist (they control the media/banks/government) to the patently ridiculous (they invented fast food to soften the normally hard-bodied Aryan frame), but never before have I heard the legend of the clan of intergalactic explorers that came to Philadelphia to bring the masses klezmer music. Until now. Klingon Klezmer is supporting their latest album, Blue Suede Jews (yeah, they went there), with a show at the Morris Arboretum, where patrons can explore some purely terrestrial summer flora while listening to klezmerized space funk. 6:30-8 p.m., free with admission, Morris Arboretum, 100 E. Northwestern Ave., 215-247-5777. (ZM)

4. Let my people laugh! Better yet, let them laugh for free! Movies in the Park presents Charlie Chaplin's silent classic The Gold Rush, free in Clark Park. Two trolley lines pass by, so no excuses about how you can't get there. 8:30 p.m., 43rd St. and Baltimore Ave. (MA)

5. If you're a fan of extroverted backup singers, you've got a tough choice on this day: Will it be Van Morrison at the Spectrum or Al Jarreau at the Mann? Jammy R&B-pop or romantic R&B-jazz? "Brown-Eyed Girl" or "We're in This Love Together?" Good luck with that. Van Morrison, 5 p.m., $95-$175, Wachovia Spectrum, 3601 S. Broad St., www.electricfactory.com; Al Jarreau, 8 p.m., $49-$59, Mann Center for the Performing Arts, 5201 Parkside Ave., 215-893-1999, www.manncenter.org. (PR)

6. Stake out a piece of immaculate lawn, gaze at the pond, let the kids wander over to the playground, eat picnic food and enjoy some fine outdoor music courtesy Concerts Under the Stars. Today, it's Martin Sexton performing. Upper Merion Township Park, 175 W. Valley Forge Road, King of Prussia, 610-265-1071, www.umconcerts.org. (MA)

7. Usually, for all the trouble it takes to haul your ass out to the Mann, all you get is a concert (see August 5, 9, etc.). And that's fine, but maybe you want something a little more multidimensional—like stiltwalking, storytelling, dancing and drums—all for free. In that case, you want the Universal African Dance & Drum Ensemble, appearing this morning. 11 a.m., free, Mann Center for the Performing Arts. (PR)

8. Sailing without having to own a boat is as good as it gets. Or you might even sneak in a little pain-free education for unwary kids—which is the specialty of the Schooner A.J. Meerwald, New Jersey's tall ship and last of the oyster schooners that were once thick on the Delaware Bay. There are activities almost every day of the summer, but keep in mind that the Meerwald is docked in Cape May this month. Once they're dragged on board, your school-aged kids will never know what hit 'em. $15-$30, 800-485-3072, www.ajmeerwald.org. (MA)

9. Tony freaking Bennett! 8 p.m., $49-$90, Mann Center for the Performing Arts. (PR)

10. Has it been a year already? What was once Tony Pointless' birthday party has in recent years devolved into an annual four-day dirty punk festival during the Church's infamous humid season. This year: Rambo, Witch Hunt, Hellshock, Caustic Christ, Turd Whistle and Blood Kashi. OK, I made those last two up. Price and times TBA, First Unitarian Church, 2125 Chestnut St., www.r5productions.com. (PR)

11. For all the raucous charm and welcome warmth they provide during the winter, pub crawls are downright dehydrating all summer long, but especially during the dog days of August. Why not try a soothing smoothie crawl instead? Call some friends, pick your favorite part of town and map a route based on your favorite yogurt/juice/fruit/syrup/ice blends. Though there's no need to hand your keys to a designated driver, in light of potential brain freeze, we urge you to drink responsibly. Possible smoothie spots: local coffee shops, Wawa, Marathon Grill, Jamba Juice. (GM)

12. He once said to David Letterman, "Who picks your clothes? Stevie Wonder?" Don Rickles, the undisputed King of Insults, roosts in A.C. for two days to fling his famous brand of shtick. As a regular fixture on Johnny Carson's Tonight Show, this honorary Rat Packer is about the only funny man to ever get away with poking fun at Sinatra's hairpiece. Mr. Warmth, as he's come to be known for his hilarious insult-laden act, throws the very notion of political correctness out the window and into a celebrity roast. Not bad for a guy who started telling jokes in strip clubs. 8 p.m., $35, Superstar Theater, Resorts Casino Hotels, 1133 Boardwalk at Park Place, Atlantic City, N.J., 800-336-6378. (NHM)

13. Once upon a late-weekend-in-August, I too used to trudge around in the dust or the mud and stand in line at the stinky port-o-potties at the Philadelphia Folk Festival for the privilege of hearing some great old folkies. No more. Not since I discovered the much closer, more civilized alternative: the Concerts Under the Stars series of summer Sunday folk concerts on the tony Main Line. Spread your blanket out on actual grass and hear double bills of proven, popular but not wizened folk acts like Chris Smither and Aztec Two-Step, Christine Lavin and John McCutcheon, Richard Shindell and Maura O'Connell (this evening) for about half of what it would cost to see one of these people at World Café Live or Tin Angel. Other pluses: free parking, indoor plumbing and a dry auditorium if it should pour. 7 p.m., $10, every Sunday through Sept. 9, Upper Merion Township Building Park. (CW)

14. This mid-August Monday kicks off to a sticky start with saltwater-taffy sculpting, continues with carb-tastic efforts featuring Tastykakes and French fries and culminates in the ever-popular Miss Miscellaneous pageant. Weird? That's the point, considering this is Ocean City's Weird Contest Week. Kookiness commences at 11 a.m. at the Music Pier at Moorlyn Terrace and the Boardwalk, Ocean City, N.J., 609-525-9300. (CV)

15. A veteran of the hip-hop-goes-with-everything school of marketing, Steve Love's Skate and Break urban extravaganza rolls into Philadelphia with roller skates and b-boy street cred. Love discovered these two great tastes taste great together after rehearsing his New York Express Roller Dance Company next to a studious cadre of mind-blowing breakdancers, and the result has bodies spinning, limbs popping and heads nodding. The show's gotten rave reviews, and Love even thinks it can make skating cool again. 10:30 a.m. and 1:15 p.m., $7.50, Keswick Theatre, 291 N. Keswick Ave., Glenside, 215-572-7650, www.keswicktheatre.com. (ZM)

16. Order a triple-decker ice cream cone and test drive CP's three favorite ways of getting rid of brain freeze (aka "ice cream headaches"). When that stabbing, soul-crippling pain hits, try pressing your tongue to the roof of your mouth. If that doesn't work, press something cold against the inside of one of your wrists, like, oh, let's just say, a can of beer. Still not working? Pop the top and chug. Soon the queasy sensation of mixing beer and ice cream will make you forget about that headache. (DS)

17. It's a broiling August afternoon, and work seems like a bridge too far. Throw on that ratty white bathrobe, grab a six-pack and a joint, and head on down to Strikes Bowling Lounge (4040 Locust St.) to bowl, drink and smoke the afternoon away. On Lebowski Day, no matter how much you harass the Penn kids, you're never over the line. It'll really tie the summer together, dude. 215-387-BOWL, www.strikesbowlinglounge.com. (DF)

18. Do the words folk and festival instantly conjure up gray ponytails and really ugly sandals? Forget that. It's one of America's oldest folk festivals (this is its 45th year), but Philadelphia Folk Festival boasts contemporary talent like Jackson Browne, Arrogant Worms (Canada) and The Duhks (self-described Kick-Butt Rock). Twenty-nine performers (plus jugglers, pipers and eats) fill the grounds. You pay by day, and can camp overnight. Worth the drive (yeah, it's Philly by way of the NE Extension). Price TBA, through Aug. 20, near Schwenksville, www.folkfest.org. (JA)

Plus:

Learn how they made beer back in the colonial times—when beer was safer to drink than the water, when ol' Ben supposedly espoused that "beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Local zymurgist and beer historian Rich Wagner will give a 45-minute presentation of colonial brewing equipment and methods at Bucks County's Mercer Museum's Brewery Night, after which you'll get a lesson in beer appreciation from the folks at Yards. $20, registration required, 84 S. Pine St., Doylestown, 215-345-0210, www.mercermuseum.org. (BH)

19. In 1991, a popular surfer from Avalon named Brendan Borek lost his battle with Ewing's Sarcoma, a form of pediatric bone cancer. He'd just turned 18. Every year since, his family and friends have honored his memory by helping families who face the same battle. The 16th Annual Brendan Borek High Tides Memorial Surf Contest is one of the East Coast's biggest, and doubles as a fundraiser for Brendan's Fund, which looks out for local, young pediatric-cancer patients. In other words, good times—yes, there are usually waves—for a good cause. With the 30th Street beach packed with locals who still live nearby and others who've chased the waves to Cali, area bands—like the R3 Band from Media—play on one of the Boardwalk pagodas starting at 10 a.m. Around noon, they'll take a break so Brendan's fellow surfers can paddle out with their boards and join hands to honor his memory during a Circle of Friends Memorial Ceremony. (If you've never seen one, you must.) From there, Avalon Community Hall hosts a homecoming party from 6 till 9 p.m. 30th Street and the Atlantic Ocean, www.brendansfund.org. (H)

Plus:

Pop quiz: What's on the west bank of the Schuylkill past University City but above the airport? If you guessed brownfields and Sunoco, you're only half right. Bartram's Garden, the horticultural mecca founded by Benny Franklin's buddy John, blooms Aug. 18 through the 20th with Creative Cross-Pollination, an exhibit and free workshop series by Da Vinci Art Alliance members. Pre-registration requested, 54th St. and Lindbergh Blvd., 215-729-5281, www.angelfire.com/ok3/davinci. (JP)

20. The gloomy grays of the mighty Delaware may be no match for the cool blues of the Caribbean, but for one day, it'll do. Because when the performers and vendors roll out their island spirit for the Caribbean Festival, you're only a codfish fritter away from feeling like you're on the coast of St. Croix. OK, maybe a couple of codfish fritters. But kick back with a sorrel drink, listen to the steel drums and, if you squint hard enough, the Spirit of Philadelphia looks just like a Carnival Fun Ship. Noon-8 p.m., free, Great Plaza at Penn's Landing. (LH)

21, 22, 23. This isn't scientifically proven or anything, but the Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday in the third full week of August just feel like the dog days of summer. Sizzling sidewalks. The smell of baked garbage. The air so thick it could choke a horse. Those with any sense will have made arrangements to be out of the area. Those without any sense will be stuck sitting naked in front of a cheap variable-speed fan while using the "bad cat bottle" to spray moisture on your desiccated flesh. Get the hell out. Get the hell out now. (DS)

24. Seeing Tesla in A.C. should be as good a bet as playing roulette in the casino downstairs. Take that as you may. 8 p.m., $22-$27, House of Blues Atlantic City. (PR)

25. See a champion in action for the first time since 1983! The Super Bowl champion Steelers visit for both a preseason game and an opportunity to rub success in our collective-loser faces. Lincoln Financial Field. (H)

26. This isn't merely a festival, people. It's an extravaganza! For two days, the African Heritage Center pulls out all the stops for the African American Cultural Extravaganza. Last year's fest included storytelling and magic for the little ones, spoken word and gospel events, drum ensembles and—get this—special performances by The Delfonics, The Orlons and The Original Blue Notes. No word yet on this year's performers, but save us a seat on the Plaza. Noon-8 p.m., free, Great Plaza at Penn's Landing. (LH)

27. Have a blast seeing Martin Sexton at Concert Under the Stars (see Aug. 6)? Come back and check out Trout Fishing in America. Your kids will go nuts. (MA)

28. On this day in 1869 someone knocked over the Tax Receiver's office at Sixth and Chestnut streets and absconded with $28,000. Act like you take this personally and tell it to every tourist you meet while standing in front of the absurd new Liberty Bell Pavilion. (DS)

29. Case you didn't notice, the Mummers Museum has been putting on free outdoor concerts on Tuesday nights all summer long. Strutting is not mandatory; you could just sit out with your neighbors, a soft pretzel and a flask, listening to a pack of guys striving toward that euphonic yet elusive Valhalla: simultaneously plucked banjo strings. Tonight, check out Northeast Philly's hit paraders the Irish-American String Band. 8 p.m., free, Mummers Museum, Second St. and Washington Ave., 215-336-3050, www.mummersmuseum.com. (PR)

30. "Be sure to take the ferry by Coryell's as it is the swiftest, surest route," George Washington once said. It's tough to beat an endorsement from G-Wash. Centuries later, Coryell's Ferry Rides are still pushing people up and down the Delaware near New Hope. It's not exactly the fastest way across the river—I mean, you can walk across the damn bridge in five minutes—but sometimes, a summer afternoon is best spent in a 65-foot paddlewheel pontoon boat. Rides leave roughly every 45 minutes from 10 a.m. to 5:30 p.m., May-September, 22 S. Main St., New Hope, 215-862-2050. (MA)

31. Ever spent an afternoon wondering about power and how it works? Then you're in for a treat, because the American Political Science Association's annual conference is in town at the Convention Center, and the theme is "Power Reconsidered." If you don't like the insomnia-curing panels, walk around the book fair and see how many free books you can scare up pretending to be a professor. (DF)