Every parent knows that when a toddler misbehaves, you ignore the behavior. For instance, when a toddler says Doodyheadoodyheadoodyheadoodyheadoodyhead, giggling, and increasing in volume with every doody, the best thing to do is ignore him. Don't reward the behavior with your attention.

Similarly, when Bush says extremely stupid things like gay marriage threatens the "sanctity of marriage," we should all turn the cameras off, put our pens and notebooks down and go get a beer, or something.

Don't reward the doodyhead.

But we do listen. We give him our full attention. And there's another news cycle about this nonsense, and more right-wing Christian conservatives get all fired up and pledge to go GOP come the midterm elections.

Beyond the naked plea for the crazy vote, though, I'm offended by Bush's silly resurrection of his war against homosexuals—his Queer-had, if you will—on two fronts: as a parent and as a part-time novelist. (For now, I'll leave the journalist side of me out of this.)

The novelist in me is offended because Bush is doing a lousy job as a supervillain. There are rules about these things, and Bush manages to break every single one of them.

For example, supervillains are supposed to have hidden agendas that, on the surface, look fine to everyone else. If you're going to wage war over WMD, then for Pete's sake, get one of your minions to go in there and plant some. No self-respecting supervillian would just sit there and look like a dork when the U.N. didn't find so much as a shrinking ray.

Supervillains should also wage a brutal PR war against the good guys. If I were Bush, and I had conquered an oil-rich country, I'd give everybody free gas for a year. Let the Dems try to spin that. But no. Prices go up!

Most importantly, supervillians' schemes are also supposed to be brilliant and dastardly, not as transparent as a pair of crotchless panties. If you have the lowest approval rating since Nixon and Rolling Stone is kicking your ass with a piece about how your party probably did steal the election for you (again), you're supposed to come back with something … oh, I don't know, smart.

Instead you trot out the lamest nonissue imaginable—the one about how two men lying in sexual congress can bring about the destruction of the American family.

Lex Luthor would have promised every American free gas. He wouldn't have gotten his knickers in a twist and told everyone that Superman was banging Jimmy Olson.

Doodyhead.

As a parent, though, I take Bush's push for an amendment banning gay marriage a bit more personally.

Because if there's one thing that is destroying the sanctity of my marriage and family, it's the fact that someday my kids might be sent off to die for something that Bush set in motion today. With every soldier that returns home to his parents in a body bag, it's another family that Bush has grievously injured for no good reason.

Sanctity of the family.

Hard to have a family when the kids are dead.

Some parents choose to teach tolerance, and a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage would be a tough thing to explain to their kids. Especially considering they have a relative who is openly gay. What does Bush suggest we tell them? Sorry, kids, Uncle Billy doesn't have the same rights as you and me because, well, he sleeps with Uncle Rich. And one day back in 2006, a narrow band of doodyheads pushed for a constitutional amendment …

Maybe you want to teach your kids something different. But let's not argue over a stupid amendment that tries to mandate it one way or the other. Especially when the amendment was launched for nakedly political reasons.

Be a true supervillain, Mr. President.

Cough up the free gas.