Monk's celebrated fries are up top for good reason—every day, they cut up fresh, locally grown Yukon Gold potatoes on the premises. Baskets cost just $3.50, and come with a ramekin of delicious bourbon mayo. Ordering them is a guaranteed good time, even if you can't distinguish their overwhelming "Beer Bible" from binary code.

The name ain't fancy, but the presentation sure is. This South Philly wine bar's fries are flavored with white truffle oil and locatelli cheese, and served with a tangy horseradish cream sauce. They're the one thing that keeps this writer from fleeing in virgin-ear fear during their weekly Kinky Quizzo night.

Spanish fries or cheese fries? Many patrons of this decades-old walk-up have trouble deciding between the two, the former of which come mixed with sauteed onions and hot peppers. Simple solution: Order en español, and ask for a side of Whiz for 75 cents extra. Your heart will be pissed, but your large intestine will give you a high five.

Sheathe your swords, Decriers O' Stephen Starr—placing these fries on the list is so necessary. For starters, you get an Everest-sized mountain of super-skinny tater strings, making them perfect for large parties. Second, they're drizzled in a spicy Chinese mustard that does a better job of clearing your sinuses than Flonase ever could.

While you can get a side of gravy with your thick-cut fries at this comfy boozery, the curry sauce is a more popular choice. "I don't know what's so special about it, but people drink the stuff," says staffer Evan Maffiori. Drinking? At an Irish pub? You're shittin' me, Seamus.

--Drew Lazor